Damn It, Gil. You’re Such a Dick.

I’m sitting on the couch right now watching Adventure Time on Cartoon Network. I’m also sipping a hot lemon drink, and there is a tissue wedged firmly up my left nostril.

Why?

I’m sick, damn it. Stupid germs and cold and stuff.

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My throat hurts, my head hurts, my chest hurts, and my nose is running one minute, blocked the next. Whoever invented the common cold is a jerk.

Okay, I know nobody ‘invented’ the cold, but I’m gonna invent someone to have invented it, so I have someone to blame for this bullshit.

His name (Is it sexist that I made him a male? No. No it isn’t. If I made the inventor of the cold a female, people would say that’s sexist too. You just can’t win sometimes), anyway his name is Gil Johnson.

Gil Johnson worked as a blacksmith in a small village. He had few friends, but loved his work. One day, some raiders came to town, and set the village aflame. They were eventually repelled by the villagers, using weapons Gil had made.

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For a time, Gil was celebrated as a hero by the surviving villagers. After the rebuilding, he was rewarded with a feast in his honour.

But his celebrity wore off. Before long, the people had forgotten his part in their salvation, and began ignoring him. After having had widespread adoration, and then having it stripped from him, Gil developed a harsh mental disorder and decided everyone who once loved him was now his enemy.

He vowed to seek revenge on all of them. He vowed to make them pay. But instead of killing them with the weapons he had manufactured since his apprentice youth, he somehow became a chemistry genius and set up a lab. In that lab, he made the common cold and then gave it to everyone in a giant pie.

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Okay, you can tell I got really lazy at the end there and wanted to wrap it up.

But you get the gist of what I’m saying; Gil is a dick. Next time you get a cold, much like I have right now, you can join me in saying “Damn it, Gil. You’re such a dick.”

It might make you feel slightly better.

Or, if you say it loud enough, it might hurt your throat. Then you have even more reason to be mad at that piece of shit, Gil. I mean what kind of name is Gil, anyway? Gil. Pfft. What a prick.

The upside is that he died. I think we can all take something from this story.

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