Today I decided to have a day of dumb jokes on Twitter. This is the result. Hopefully at least one of these puts a smile on an orphaned puppy’s face.
I drink therefore I am (hydrated).
A bird in the hand is worth an equal bird in the other hand.
If you can’t stand the heat, turn down the heatpump.
Water water everywhere, the carpet is ruined.
A friend in need is a friend who will Facebook you asking for a favour.
That’s like the pot calling the kettle a pot.
That guy’s one sandwich short of having a sandwich.
No man is an island. But most islands are islands.
He went out in a blaze of glory (also fire).
The grass is always greener on the other side, because my neighbour takes better care of her lawn than I do.
He’s dumber than a bag of hammers. Or the man who puts all his hammers in a bag.
I drew a blank. I didn’t even have to put my pen on the paper.
He’s as drunk as a skunk who has hit rock bottom.
Don’t count your chickens before they’re your chickens. It’s rude to count someone else’s chickens.
She’s the dark horse of this competition. It shouldn’t matter what colour she is, who let a horse in here?
Once bitten, twice shy, three times a lady.
His name is on the tip of my tongue. I probably shouldn’t be licking his name tag.
Variety is the spice of life. Jalapeno is the spice of Mexico.
So that’s what I did with my day. Clearly it was well worth it. There are some sweet-ass comedic gems in there, yes sir. You’re welcome, the Earth.