Review: Wind

Before I say anything about wind, let me give you some of my credentials, in an effort to ease your mind, and assure you that this review is coming from a reputable source.

I may not be a meteorologist. I may not be a scientist of any kind. Heck, I may not even know anything at all about weather patterns or any of that smarty book-learning stuff.

But, I can say with complete certainty, I have felt the wind at least twice in my life. Probably heaps more than that, if I’m being honest. As a matter of fact, I can guarantee that I have felt the wind more times than a person who has felt it less times than I have.

I can even hear the wind right now. Right this very instant, as I write these words, there is wind blowing near me, and I’m picking it up on my finely-tuned ear orifices. Orifices? Orifi? Never mind.

Anyway, the point is I know what I’m talking about. Trust me on that. Just go with me, okay? Why do you always have to fight me on these things? Can’t anything be easy with you? Look. I know you’re out to undermine me. Don’t think your attempts have gone unnoticed all these years. Every step and every turn, you’re watching and waiting for me to slip up. Well, too bad, you wily carbuncle. This review is going to happen whether you want it to or not. So just make it easy on yourself and accept it. Alright, here we go.

Wind is dumb.

That’s all there is to it. Wind is dumb. I’m sure it’s necessary for sailors, and farmers, and competitive kite-flyers. But for most of us, it’s just dumb.

Let’s look at some of the facts. Wind is constantly ruining things we all enjoy; like picnics, days at the beach, and outdoor Scrabble contests. Not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could read my priceless ancient scrolls out in the sun, without fear of the wind snatching them up in its selfish embrace and scattering my stolen-from-the-museum-fair-and-square property far and wide.

Even the things that are associated with wind are terrible. Breaking wind is embarrassing and generally frowned upon. Getting winded is considered an unpleasant experience. A wind bag is someone who just won’t shut their mouth. And wind chimes are just plain stupid.

Seriously, when was the last time you needed the wind? Like really needed it? When was the last time anybody walked out their front door, on a nice calm day, and said “Man, I wish my hair was blowing in my face and my washing and other personal items were strewn about the neighbourhood! That would be swell.”

I’ll tell you the last time that happened; 1952. Because that’s the last time anybody said “That would be swell.” Nowadays, the word ‘swell’ would be replaced by ‘cool’ or ‘awesome’ or ‘yolo’ or whatever else the kids are saying these days. Stupid kids with their stupid words.

Yellow Oxen Love Onions (or whatever)

Okay, so we haven’t needed wind for a long time. I think that’s a fact upon which we can all agree. Then why does wind still hang around, overstaying its welcome, and being a drag for everyone?

Because wind is a douchebag, that’s why. Wind knows we don’t want it. Don’t think for a second that wind is oblivious to our dislike of its windy ways. Wind is fully aware that the party is over, and it should have gone home a long time ago. But wind refuses to leave out of pure spite. That’s right. Wind is that petty.

I’m sure if you had a good sit down with wind, and really opened up Pandora’s sloppy emotion-box, wind would have some serious trauma or deep issues that it is trying to work through. But that shouldn’t be our problem. Why are you taking your problems out on us, wind? There are better ways. You should get a hobby through which to vent your frustration. But not arts and crafts. I imagine you’d be terrible at arts and crafts. There would be paper and material and cotton everywhere. And I don’t even want to know what you would be capable of it you had scissors. It would be chaos. Don’t take up arts and crafts, okay?

You know what? I just remembered we need wind for wind farms. It’s a renewable clean energy source, and could be totally essential to the future of mankind. With this in mind, I retract my entire review. Wind is great. More wind please.

When life gives you wind, make windfarms

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