We live in a shitty world, filled with shitty people, doing shitty things. The majority of the human race just plain sucks, and the majority of the stuff we do is even worse.
So, in a tiny little effort to prove that not all hope is lost, here is a list of five things that, in the face of so much suckiness, are awesome.
Please note: the awesomeness of these things is based completely on my own opinion, and you may disagree. If you do happen to disagree with the awesomeness of one or more of the below, then don’t get all up-in-arms and crazy. Just kindly walk away from your computer, count to ten, and then go fuck yourself. I don’t care what your stupid opinion is. And get a haircut. You look like a dick. If, however, you do agree with me about how awesome these five things are, then you are the sixth awesome thing to add to the list. Right on, brother. Put that in your trophy case and display it proudly.
Awesome thing #1 – Louis CK and Doug Stanhope
I know that these two dudes are separate people, and should have their own separate entries in the ‘5 Things That Are Awesome’ list, but I’ve grouped them together as they are both stand up comedians, and I have trouble picking which is my favourite. If you do not know who either of these guys are, you need to punch yourself in the dick. And then go to Youtube, watch some clips, and buy their CDs/DVDs.
Awesome thing #2 – Gummy-type candies shaped like things
They say you’re never too old to enjoy candy. Well, actually I don’t know if anybody says that, but they should. Candy is awesome. I am a grown man and I love candy. I own a house and I love candy. I am getting married next year and I enjoy candy. Candy is great. And what’s even better is when candy is all gummy-like, and the candy-making-pixies (I’m going to go ahead and assume candy is made by pixies and not humans) make it shaped like things. Smiley faces are popular, as are various animals (mostly exotic zoo-like animals), and the shape of the fruit after which the gummy is supposedly flavoured. Fun for everybody and delicious.
Awesome thing #3 – Something warm to hold on a cold day
This one is topical for me, because I am currently freezing my nutsicles off this morning, and I am holding (on-and-off so I can type) a warm cup of tea. Holding the warm tea is the only thing that is keeping me from going on a killing spree, and using the corpses of my kills to wrap myself in to keep from freezing to death. Thank you warm cup of tea, for preventing such horrible things. You are truly a hero this day.
Awesome thing #4 – Live Comedy
Watching live comedy is one of the greatest things in modern times, as far as entertainment is concerned. Comedy is so much more accessible to the average person, and so much more universal (and needed) than some wanky piece of drama. Drama, or poetry, or other garbage like that often requires the audience to have a pre-existing wealth of cultured knowledge and a high level of in-built pretentiousness to enjoy it. It belittles the common stupid person, and pushes the everyman down into a pool of exclusion. Comedy simply requires that they know how to laugh. It also helps to not be a stuck up prick. Yay comedy! Boo drama!
Awesome thing #5 – Something I haven’t thought of yet
Number five on this list is a bit of a mystery. It’s the enjoyment of not knowing what comes next. It’s the mild level of excitement that comes with uncertainty and leaping face-first into the unknown. If you’re wondering right now if this last one is legit, or I just didn’t bother thinking of another example, you’re absolutely correct. Or are you? You totally are. Or are you? Yes. Yes you are… or are you? Okay this could go on forever, but the repetition would actually go against the point of this item on the list; the unknown. The unknown is important because it keeps you on your toes. Life is so much better when you don’t know exactly what’s around the corner. Like at the end of this sentence there might even be a giraffe. And look at that, there was a giraffe. How exciting is that? We were talking about possibilities and the unknown, and now we’re talking about giraffes. Anything can happen.
So that’s my list of five things that are awesome. I hope you agree with at least one of these things.
Now go forth and do something with your life. Close all your Internet Explorer tabs with the porn videos you were loading while you read this post, put your pants back on, shut your laptop, leave the Starbucks you were sitting in, and get some shit done.