The future is an interesting thought. The very word “future” gives many different ideas, to many different people. For some, the word implies flying cars and space colonies and friendly alien pets with tongues made of candy or something. For some, it means families and mortgages and retirement and funerals. For some, it means plans for the day after tomorrow.
For a comedian, the future is always switching back and forth between the near and the distant. In one moment, we may be thinking about what we really want to achieve in five, ten, or fifty years from now, as a performer. We’ll think about the poorly-lit comedy clubs, or the semi-adequate theatres, or ideally, the massive, fan-packed, roaring arena crowds we’ll play to when stardom calls and busts through your front door. The next moment, we’ll focus solely on the small room with twelve angry drunks in it, where we’ll deliver our fine craft this weekend.
For me, outside of comedy, the future doesn’t really mean anything spectacular. It’s not that I don’t have dreams, that’s not it at all. How dare you accuse me of not having dreams? Screw you, pal. You don’t know what’s going on in my head. Shut up. I have dreams. Big ones. Sometimes they involve Spider Monkeys playing checkers. Yesterday I dreamed about a sandwich. It was awesome. The problem with my future is I’m not really a “planner”. Matter of fact, I’m not a “doer” either. So quite often, in most fields of life, I get zero results. Zip. Nada. None. Nil. Nothing. Another synonym for piss-all. As it turns out, apathy, combined with a big ol’ dollop of lethargy, isn’t exactly good for getting shit done.
That’s not to say I’m not excited about the future. Far from it, my nay-saying compadre. I’m sure we will be amazed and blessed with many wonderful inventions and revolutions and evolutions in our society. And hopefully, if the world truly does become a better place in years to come, the very existence of Twilight (and all the somehow even shittier vampire-romance-related tripe that followed) will be erased from human memory. That way, vampires will be cool again, and the world will finally regain some degree of the sense it once made. Fuck you Twilight. Yeah you heard me.
Also, I look forward to Hollywood running out of things to remake, and then remaking all of the remakes.
Oh, and Lady Gaga’s funeral. That’d be sweet.
And I guess world peace would be acceptable too. Although I’m not crossing my fingers with that one, until the various religions get their shit together. You know who I’m talking about. It’s those booky-booky-followy-followy-judgy-judgy-killy-killy people making our world the giant, stinking crap sandwich it is today.
The only thing I can guarantee right now, about the future, is that in ten minutes, I am going to get a coffee. I will quite likely enjoy it, and then will at some point turn it into wees. Now you know this. You can’t un-know it. Shame.