They’ve done it. They’ve done the unthinkable. Well, evidently it wasn’t unthinkable, because it has been thought, and it has been subsequently done. They did it. It’s a crying shame. Boohoo. You hear me crying? I’m crying, I tell you. Honestly I am. Okay, I’m not crying. But other people are, and that’s retarded.
By this point, you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about. Don’t worry, I’m getting there. Just stick with me, and come along for the ride. Eventually I’m going to get to my point. And you’ll be like “wow, I’m glad I followed him this far.” And you’ll also say things similar (if not identical) to “Oh, that title IS clever. Well done, Brad. You’re so amazing”, and I’ll have to agree. But until then, just brace yourself, because here it comes.
People are crying because they play too much Scrabble and, in case you haven’t heard, the official Scrabble people (I like to think they’re called Scrabulons, because that would be an awesome job title/alien race) have updated the rules of Scrabble to now include proper nouns.
In case you’re “a little bit special” (obvious euphemism for “fucking stupid”) a proper noun is a name of a person, or place, or basically most things you could start with a capital letter. So now, in a heated Scrabble tournament with your best friends (if you have any), you can play the words “Marmiduke” or “Papakowhai”… Do you have any idea how many points I could get for playing “Zimmerman” on a Scrabble board? Good, because I don’t. I could look it up, but I have more important things to do. There’s a television in the room and it’s not gonna watch itself.
Is it really such a bad thing that they’ve included this new range of words to be allowed? Are intense Scrabble enthusiasts (read “basement-dwelling losers”) going to explode/implode in a fiery nerd-rage that will encompass the entire English dictionary and destroy us all in a wordy supernova?
I love to be all brainy and full of smart…ly…ness in my day-to-day life, and I enjoy nothing more than to showcase my amazingly broad and spectacular vocabulary to the lowly dunces I encounter on my regular adventures. But to cry and protest and do a big doody in our diapers, because a boardgame includes a type of word you don’t want to use, is ridiculous. You are a child. How about you put away the Scrabble board and play Golf on the Nintendo Wii like an adult. That’s what I do. I’m really good at it. In fact, I’m so good, I deserve to dip another Gingernut biscuit into my hot chocolate. Ooh yeah, that’s the stuff. That really takes the edge off.
I like Scrabble, but you need to grow up.
Here’s an article about someone who cares about the change. His name is Jeff Vrabel. He seems like an intelligent fellow. Check out his “Doozies” score on Scrabble. You won’t believe your eyes. Actually, you will. It’s not that impressive. I once played the word “thisisreallysadweshouldbeoutsidedoingstuff” on a Scrabble board. My friends tried to stop me making a (clearly) illegal move, but they were only imaginary so I wasn’t gonna take any crap from them. I went “upside their heads” with the bag of leftover letters.
You know what else I like? You do? Stop reading my diary. That’s personal. You’re such a creepy stalker. Now, go get me a gin and lime!