Do you remember when vampires were awesome? I do! What happened to that? Huh? HUH? You don’t know, do you? No. You don’t. You’re clueless. Vampires are lame now. Vampires are super lame and gay.
Vampires used to be bat-morphing, skank-raping, blood-sucking, ass-kicking monsters who were wicked and not to be fucked with. Now they’re pussies. Society is clearly crumbling when something as awesome as vampires becomes softer than 3-ply toilet paper wiping rainbows off a kitten’s cheeks.
Dracula, Van Helsing, From Dusk Til Dawn, and Underworld are proof of the way vampires used to be, back in a time when the world still made sense. When cool things were cool (and not crap), and crap things were crap (like crap).
And don’t forget Wesley Snipes, who brought to us the most hardcore, ass-reaming, suck-on-my-sword-you-dirty-bitch vampire character there ever was, Blade.
Blade was a black, samurai-sword-wielding, half-human, vampire powerhouse. If you stood in his way, you were dead before you even realised you were in the wrong. Blade was awesome. Blade was unstoppable. Blade was death.
In today’s world, however, vampires are gay little bitch-boys with pasty skin and teenage angst. They’re emo cry-babies with fangs and a collection of My Chemical Romance CDs. “Ooh I’m a vampire, I could kick some ass and guzzle blood from a busty slut’s neck… but I’d rather sit in my room with the blinds closed, running my fingers through my jet black fringe. I’m so sensitive.”
Twilight has made retarded little girls think they like vampires, and worst of all, think they know vampires. Whoever wrote the Twilight books (I could easily look it up on the internet-mo-tron but you think I’m gonna waste my time on that shit? you know who you are) should be strapped to the front of a train, and have the train run off a cliff and into a pool of donkey urine at the bottom. While the train is dragging you deeper into your warm, yellow abyss, a million tiny goldfish will gather around your face and shit directly into your eyes, nose, ears and mouth.
You’ll then break free from the train and swim to the surface, thinking all is well and now you’re safe. That’s when an eagle will swoop down from the sky, viciously talon-grab you by the nostrils and drag your sorry ‘writer’ (haha you wish) ass to an abandoned gully where you’ll later be met by Blade who will whoop the living shit out of you and make you say “I’m a bitch and I have single-handedly ruined the once-awesome world of vampires.”
After you’ve said that, he will cut your throat very slowly with a rusty bread knife and you’ll void your bowels all over the ground, and at last the world will be put back to the way it should be.
In conclusion. Fuck you, Twilight. You are a pussy-bitch. Die.