Twilight Made Vampires Shitty

Do you remember when vampires were awesome? I do! What happened to that? Huh? HUH? You don’t know, do you? No. You don’t. You’re clueless. Vampires are lame now. Vampires are super lame and gay.

Vampires used to be bat-morphing, skank-raping, blood-sucking, ass-kicking monsters who were wicked and not to be fucked with. Now they’re pussies. Society is clearly crumbling when something as awesome as vampires becomes softer than 3-ply toilet paper wiping rainbows off a kitten’s cheeks.

Dracula, Van Helsing, From Dusk Til Dawn, and Underworld are proof of the way vampires used to be, back in a time when the world still made sense. When cool things were cool (and not crap), and crap things were crap (like crap).

And don’t forget Wesley Snipes, who brought to us the most hardcore, ass-reaming, suck-on-my-sword-you-dirty-bitch vampire character there ever was, Blade.

Blade was a black, samurai-sword-wielding, half-human, vampire powerhouse. If you stood in his way, you were dead before you even realised you were in the wrong. Blade was awesome. Blade was unstoppable. Blade was death.

Blade will destroy you, bitch

In today’s world, however, vampires are gay little bitch-boys with pasty skin and teenage angst. They’re emo cry-babies with fangs and a collection of My Chemical Romance CDs. “Ooh I’m a vampire, I could kick some ass and guzzle blood from a busty slut’s neck… but I’d rather sit in my room with the blinds closed, running my fingers through my jet black fringe. I’m so sensitive.”


Twilight has made retarded little girls think they like vampires, and worst of all, think they know vampires. Whoever wrote the Twilight books (I could easily look it up on the internet-mo-tron but you think I’m gonna waste my time on that shit? you know who you are) should be strapped to the front of a train, and have the train run off a cliff and into a pool of donkey urine at the bottom. While the train is dragging you deeper into your warm, yellow abyss, a million tiny goldfish will gather around your face and shit directly into your eyes, nose, ears and mouth.

You’ll then break free from the train and swim to the surface, thinking all is well and now you’re safe. That’s when an eagle will swoop down from the sky, viciously talon-grab you by the nostrils and drag your sorry ‘writer’ (haha you wish) ass to an abandoned gully where you’ll later be met by Blade who will whoop the living shit out of you and make you say “I’m a bitch and I have single-handedly ruined the once-awesome world of vampires.”

After you’ve said that, he will cut your throat very slowly with a rusty bread knife and you’ll void your bowels all over the ground, and at last the world will be put back to the way it should be.

Jump on and we'll go get some more mascara!

In conclusion. Fuck you, Twilight. You are a pussy-bitch. Die.


15 thoughts on “Twilight Made Vampires Shitty

Add yours

  1. Twilight is a parabole all about not having sex before marriage. Seriously the authour admits it, although every fan I talk to doesn’t have a clue… you are ready badly written scripture. If you want to read scripture at least make it good scripture.
    I fucken hate twilight

  2. Well, since you’re sooo super intelligent Bradley, and I’m sure that your tv is more than capable of watching itself for just a few moments, why don’t you make an attempt to resurrect a few of those dormant brains cells and simply google the answer to your oh-so-obviously-easy-to-answer question yourself. Go on. Try it. I DARE you. You might even like it.

  3. I’m sorry, there must be some kind of a miscommunication going on here… You see, from where I’m sitting, it clearly states that my name is in fact “Rust E. Ballzack”… I don’t know who this “Jenny” is that you speak of… (but seriously, how’d you know it was me? lol)

  4. Ahh… I see my master plan has been foiled. *Damn you technology!!* (I actually had a feeling that would be the case, but on the off chance you couldn’t… well, you know me. This is how I talk… to you. Deal with it. Plus, given that fact, I assumed you would have figured it out anyway, right? – and that’s not a queue to get all ego-self-inflatory Bradley, well all know that won’t end well).

  5. Yeah. Right. Keep telling yourself that. I just hope you realise that if your head does in fact get any bigger, you’ll be a bobble head doll (just a heads up).

    1. Two words. Awesome.
      I know that’s only one word, but that’s how awesome it would be, I’m counting it as two.
      Bobble-heads are wicked. Can mine have a moustache? I think that would look funny.

      1. Anyway, Twilight is lame.
        Vampires are like Starter Jackets. They used to be cool, but then white people got hold of them… okay so it’s not exactly the same, but you see where I’m coming from.

  6. No. Sorry Brad. Your doll will have something lame like chops and a mullet. Just ‘cos I said so. Oh, and since you mentioned it, a starter jacket will work nicely with that combo too. Might as well throw in a pair of stubbies and some Aviators just for good measure (they’re the original douchebag uniform, so I heard).

    I know it will be entirely futile to mention it at this point, but I actually think Aviators look hott on some guys, and I’m reading the final ‘twilight’ book at the moment. You may have already guessed that, but perhaps I’m giving you too much credit again. I’ll stop that. Just gimme a sec. Okay. Done.

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