Our feet are fed up.
They do all the work: walking around, standing around, jumping around, everything around. What do hands do? Hands get the fun jobs: Juggling, holding exotic objects, feeling boobs.
And hands get all the rewards. More regular washes with special fancy-pantsy moisturising soaps, more limelight, and most of all, more love. You shake hands to congratulate someone, wave hands to greet a friend, and hold hands to show a loved one how you feel.
Feet are forever captive, trapped in their dark, damp, smell dungeons, and are only removed when we want to get into the shower, go to the beach, or go to bed. Now they want revenge. They want their own unique brand of feety justice. I know feety isn’t a word, but roll with it.
Little does mankind know, feet have been forming a secret underground vigilante militia with plans to overthrow the top-limbs regime for many years. The arms, head, neck, and torso have been in power far too long, and the head of the foot-force (wow, that sounds weird) has been recorded saying on numerous occasions “We must rise against the oppresive forces that keep us in our dark, stinky, tombs.” Know this, people. We have to be prepared for war.
In ancient times, people anticipated this might happen, and they invented the sandal, to try and give feet a breather and possibly calm them down once and for all. This worked for a few thousand years. But they were blissfully unaware that the cease-fire would not last forever.
Sandals are no longer the solution they once were, as now they are only worn by three types of people: Hippies, Catholic school children, and pretentious pricks. Unfortunately, there are people society can do without. People we should eradicate. Hardly the saviours of all humanity from our looming smelly fate.
Feet are outraged to be treat the way they have been in recent years. their plot to become the new controller of human activity, the new centre of power, has been slowly coming into play for well over a decade. Thus far, only two prongs in their many-pronged plan have taken fruit.
Step one was the Yellow Pages slogan “Let your fingers do the walking”. This was of course subliminal recruitment for any feet who were not yet involved. It planted the idea, in the minds of all the still-peaceful feet, that all feet have walked enough. Now it’s the hands’ turn.
Step two was toe-socks. Socks that have individual sockets for each toe. Sounds awfully similar to something hands use, doesn’t it? Glove anyone? Coincidence? Hardly. Feet released these horrible inventions as a warning to all those out there who are willing to listen. “Hey world! We are rising up! We are becoming hands and there is nothing you can do about it!”
The feet are so confident in their take-over abilities and the plan that their maniacal mastermind leader has devised, that they see no danger in advertising their intentions
Fear the toe socks, mere humans, as they are the final proof that we are in for some serious shit in the years ahead. These are dark times, people. These are dark times indeed.
Watch your back.