Don’t Read This Post
I’m serious. There’s nothing in this post of any value to anybody. You have absolutely no reason to be reading these words right now.
Did you stop reading yet? No, you didn’t. I can tell.
I’m just posting something because I realised I haven’t posted anything in a week, and that last one was just a quick promo. So if you ignore that post, it’s actually been (what seems like) months since I’ve posted an actual thought.
This post, just in case you haven’t stopped reading yet, contains no actual thoughts. None. Well, I guess it contains the one thought about it containing no thoughts. Which means the thought that there are no thoughts in this post is a lie, as it is actually a thought. You follow me? Good, because I don’t.
What the hell am I talking about? This is very quickly crumbling into something that has even me scrunching up my forehead and wondering what the fuck is going on in my cranium.
So should I make this post about having no thoughts? There’s a subject to write about. No thoughts. It’s a state many guys are familiar with. I don’t think women seem to understand it though. (And yes, I’m about to discuss the difference between men and women… comedy gold).
A question that every woman I’ve ever known seems to have at the tip of their tongue at all times, is “What are you thinking about?” and they never seem to accept my answer of “Nothing”. Because for some reason, I don’t think they believe we men can actually be thinking about nothing. Nothing is what I think 99% of the time. The other 1% I’m thinking about either boobs, video games, or video games with boobs in them. That’s my thought process. Predominantly nothing. But they don’t accept that.
Throughout my life, every time a woman has asked me “What are you thinking about?” and I’ve responded “Nothing”, I’ve been immediately bombarded with follow up questions, probing into what I meant by “Nothing”.
Apparently we can’t be thinking nothing. Apparently, when we say “Nothing” we actually mean “Nothing that I want you to find out about”. So when you tell your wife “Nothing”, she doesn’t hear “Nothing”, she hears “I’m fucking my assistant”.
So that was a little rant that kinda came out of nowhere. Sorry about that. But I did tell you not to read this post. You were warned. It’s your fault now.
The Best Lamb Shanks
If you can’t be bothered reading the below post in full, here is a summary: The best lamb shanks in the world are in Tawa.
Now for the whole story:
I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve been places. Yeah, that’s right. You know you’re jealous. You’re like “I’ve never been anywhere” and I’m like “Shame”.
Another thing I’ve done is eat lamb shanks in every country I’ve been to, apart from Mexico. It’s nothing personal, Mexico. It’s just that I didn’t spend long in your country, and most of the time I was too tequila’d to actually order something from a menu. Plus, I don’t know if you do lamb shanks in your country. Does Mexico do lamb shanks? That’s a question for another time.
The point is, I’ve had lamb shanks all over the world. I’ve enjoyed lamb shanks in Australia, both coasts of the USA, the UK, France, all over my native New Zealand, and even in Sweden. The reason I bring this to light now is that I have just discovered the best lamb shanks in the world.
The most delicious, mouth-watering, perfect lamb shanks in all the world can be found right here in New Zealand. I needn’t have bothered travelling.
In fact, not only are they in New Zealand, they’re actually in my little suburban neighbourhood.
That’s right, the best lamb shanks on the planet can be found at The Roundabout in Tawa. Last Friday night, my fiancee and I decided to have dinner at our little local place, only having dined on bar-type food there in the past, such as pizza and fries.
I ordered the lamb shanks from the dinner menu, unsure if I had made the right decision (it’s always hard to choose between lamb shanks, steak, or ribs), but what the waiter brought to the table pushed those concerns right out the window. It pushed them hard. Those concerns were a ba-jillion miles away. They were so far away, I used a made-up number. That’s pretty far.
The meal supplied to me, on which I hungrily dined, was nothing shy of absolute perfection. The meat, delicious and tender, was something I would liken to heaven (if heaven was anything more than an imaginary notion used to comfort weak-minded gullible idiots), the mashed potato was a consistency I would describe as legendary, and the gravy – OH DEAR GOD THE GRAVY – was astounding.
My fiancee had the burger, and didn’t seem to have any complaints. She gave me a small piece of the smoky bacon that came with it, and that was painfully good as well.
The only suggestion I have for improving the lamb shanks at The Roundabout in Tawa, is that they could add little chopped up bits of that smoky bacon, and they will have created the most amazing thing on the planet.
I know this whole thing sounds like blatant hyperbole, but you don’t know shit. Shut up. What do you know? Have you tried the lamb shanks I’m talking about? If you have, let me know if I’m wrong. If you haven’t, go try them before you say anything. You’ll thank me.
If you’re from The Roundabout, listen to me right now. Please add a little bit of smoky bacon to your lamb shanks. I’m serious. You’ll have a real winner.
Initially, I was hesitant to write this post, because I am not a food critic. Food critics, for the most part, are pretentious over-analysing wankers who want nothing more than to pretend they’re cultured and belittle things that don’t deserve it.
But I put that aside because I just simply had to tell you how good this food is. If you’re in Wellington, make a plan to get your ass to The Roundabout in Tawa.
Doug Stanhope vs. Whining Idiots
Just a quick note, passing on a brilliant post from comedian, Doug Stanhope on his website, www.dougstanhope.com.
Check it out if you like morons complaining about things (just because that’s what morons like to do), and a comic genius shutting them down beautifully.
5 Things That Are Awesome
We live in a shitty world, filled with shitty people, doing shitty things. The majority of the human race just plain sucks, and the majority of the stuff we do is even worse.
So, in a tiny little effort to prove that not all hope is lost, here is a list of five things that, in the face of so much suckiness, are awesome.
Please note: the awesomeness of these things is based completely on my own opinion, and you may disagree. If you do happen to disagree with the awesomeness of one or more of the below, then don’t get all up-in-arms and crazy. Just kindly walk away from your computer, count to ten, and then go fuck yourself. I don’t care what your stupid opinion is. And get a haircut. You look like a dick. If, however, you do agree with me about how awesome these five things are, then you are the sixth awesome thing to add to the list. Right on, brother. Put that in your trophy case and display it proudly.
Awesome thing #1 – Louis CK and Doug Stanhope
I know that these two dudes are separate people, and should have their own separate entries in the ’5 Things That Are Awesome’ list, but I’ve grouped them together as they are both stand up comedians, and I have trouble picking which is my favourite. If you do not know who either of these guys are, you need to punch yourself in the dick. And then go to Youtube, watch some clips, and buy their CDs/DVDs.
Awesome thing #2 – Gummy-type candies shaped like things
They say you’re never too old to enjoy candy. Well, actually I don’t know if anybody says that, but they should. Candy is awesome. I am a grown man and I love candy. I own a house and I love candy. I am getting married next year and I enjoy candy. Candy is great. And what’s even better is when candy is all gummy-like, and the candy-making-pixies (I’m going to go ahead and assume candy is made by pixies and not humans) make it shaped like things. Smiley faces are popular, as are various animals (mostly exotic zoo-like animals), and the shape of the fruit after which the gummy is supposedly flavoured. Fun for everybody and delicious.
Awesome thing #3 – Something warm to hold on a cold day
This one is topical for me, because I am currently freezing my nutsicles off this morning, and I am holding (on-and-off so I can type) a warm cup of tea. Holding the warm tea is the only thing that is keeping me from going on a killing spree, and using the corpses of my kills to wrap myself in to keep from freezing to death. Thank you warm cup of tea, for preventing such horrible things. You are truly a hero this day.
Awesome thing #4 – Live Comedy
Watching live comedy is one of the greatest things in modern times, as far as entertainment is concerned. Comedy is so much more accessible to the average person, and so much more universal (and needed) than some wanky piece of drama. Drama, or poetry, or other garbage like that often requires the audience to have a pre-existing wealth of cultured knowledge and a high level of in-built pretentiousness to enjoy it. It belittles the common stupid person, and pushes the everyman down into a pool of exclusion. Comedy simply requires that they know how to laugh. It also helps to not be a stuck up prick. Yay comedy! Boo drama!
Awesome thing #5 – Something I haven’t thought of yet
Number five on this list is a bit of a mystery. It’s the enjoyment of not knowing what comes next. It’s the mild level of excitement that comes with uncertainty and leaping face-first into the unknown. If you’re wondering right now if this last one is legit, or I just didn’t bother thinking of another example, you’re absolutely correct. Or are you? You totally are. Or are you? Yes. Yes you are… or are you? Okay this could go on forever, but the repetition would actually go against the point of this item on the list; the unknown. The unknown is important because it keeps you on your toes. Life is so much better when you don’t know exactly what’s around the corner. Like at the end of this sentence there might even be a giraffe. And look at that, there was a giraffe. How exciting is that? We were talking about possibilities and the unknown, and now we’re talking about giraffes. Anything can happen.
So that’s my list of five things that are awesome. I hope you agree with at least one of these things.
Now go forth and do something with your life. Close all your Internet Explorer tabs with the porn videos you were loading while you read this post, put your pants back on, shut your laptop, leave the Starbucks you were sitting in, and get some shit done.
New Nerd on the Block
Check it out, nerds! You’ve just had another join your ranks.
That’s right, ladies, gentlemen, (and other) Brad Zimmerman is now officially a nerd. Looking back, using that wonderful yet devastating thing known as hindsight, this has actually been a long time coming.
I have been a geek for some time (the differences were brought to my attention by Mr. Nikolai L’Estrange) and I have been teetering on the verge of taking the next step into nerdom (nerddom? nerdness? nerding?) for a while now.
I am an uber-geek when it comes to epic fantasy novels. That’s right, bitches, I just gotta love me some sword & sorcery. My favourites are the big, fat door-stopper books that you could use to kill a co-worker if you so wished. I know you’ve been tempted. I simply can’t get enough of the books filled with morally ambiguous knights, cunning nobelmen, and wizards with hidden agendas.
Ooh yeah, that’s the good stuff. If I could somehow filter fantasy novels into some kind of concentrated liquid, and then inject them into myself using sterilised medical equipment, I would. Actually, I wouldn’t. That’s a bit too far. Drugs are bad, kids.
Also, even now that I am in my mid-twenties, I am still a huge fan of videogames, more specifically videogames with a fantasy-ish theme. Even more specifically than that, fantasy-themed RPG’s (that means Role-Playing Games for all you non-geeks out there). I will happily dedicate hours or days or even weeks of my life to these things… Ya know what? Now that I think about it, I am absolutely schocked I still have a fiancee. She’s a trooper. I should buy her something nice.
So my geekdom is completely transparent and no secret to anybody. But geeks are different from nerds. I won’t go into the differences, but just know they are many and well-defined.
The reason I believe I have crossed this line is that I now am the owner of the tablet computer. And I don’t have this little handheld marvel for the social purposes that many busy people-on-the-go may have theirs. No, no, no. I have mine simply because I wanted one with which to play games, read things, and otherwise kill valuable time. This pushed me right up to the edge of the nerd-cliff, and even dangled me over the side, tempting me with the excitement and wonder of the fall into full-blown nerdliness.
I finally took the plunge and became Captain Nerdface when I learned how to create Apps for my and other handheld devices. Yes, that’s right. I programmed. It actually makes me shudder to think.
And you know what? I liked it. It felt good. I might programme again. Even now, this very moment you are reading, I am thinking and planning what kind of programmes I am going to make. Maybe I’ll make a game. Maybe a useful tool that links your calendar with your dog’s bowel movements or something. I don’t know yet. That’s half the fun.
There is no point to this post, and no comedic content. I just wanted to keep you updated with what’s going on in my life. That’s all. Isn’t that what friends do? Forgive me for thinking you and I were close enough to share our feelings. I guess you don’t feel the same. That’s a bit harsh. I think you should apologise to me or I won’t come to Christmas dinner with you this year. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you (or that delicious ham you make each year). Give me a hug.
Ramble over.
Seacrest out.
