The 2012 Christmas Comedy Showcase!

That time of year is approaching yet again, folks. I know it’s only the beginning of November, but it doesn’t hurt to plan your holiday season entertainment early.

In fact, it doesn’t hurt to buy your tickets either.

Okay. Listen. You know I’m about the plug something. All the classic signs are there; I’ve called this post ‘The 2012 Christmas Comedy Showcase’, I’m talking about planning your entertainment, and I’m talking about buying tickets.

Here’s the deal. Christmas is coming. I’m sure you know that already. You’re a smart person. You’re also very handsome/pretty. Along with Christmas, there is a Christmas comedy show that I think you will really enjoy.

It features top local comedians, including award winners and favourites from the NZ International Comedy Festival.

Anyway, here are the details:

The 2012 Christmas Comedy Showcase
Sunday 2nd December, 7:30pm
The Fringe Bar (191 Cuba St, Wgtn)
$10 Admission ($5 Students/Concession)

Featuring:
Sam Smith (Wellington Raw Comedy winner 2011)
Rob Harris (Young Guns 2012)
Rick Threlfo (Wellington Raw Comedy finalist 2012)
Adam Wright (“Adam Wright can work a room like a pro” Lumiere)
Brad Zimmerman (“Hilarious… not to be missed” Salient Magazine)

You can buy tickets here. I advise you do this early.

I’ve gone on enough about this now. If you’re still reading (instead of buying tickets), then I don’t know what to do with you. Do you want to play Scrabble or something? I once played ‘xylophone’ in a game of Scrabble. It was awesome. Actually, the word ‘phone’ was already there. I just wrote ‘xylo’ in front of it. On its own, ‘xylo’ isn’t a word. But in front of the word ‘phone’, it’s a great one. Take from that what you will… now go buy those tickets. They’re running out.

You win, Mr. Chandrahasen!

As a comedian and long-time comedy observer, I have seen many interesting things happen in comedy clubs.

I have seen great comedians fall flat on their ass. I have seen terrible comedians reduce an audience to tears of unstoppable laughter. I have seen a man throw a glass at Gareth Bradley, and yell “Anti-semite!” with no justification. I have seen men dressed as women, women dressed as men, a Maori dressed as a dinosaur.

What I saw from Jerome Chandrahasen do last night at The Comedy Corner (Weekly Thursday show at The Fringe Bar in Wellington. Click HERE  for more info about that), topped all of those things.

With a modest crowd of 15 or so (to be honest I didn’t bother counting), the night had an interesting, awkward edge to it right from the get-go. The comedians played with that a little bit, but mostly struggled to keep the crowd’s interest levels peaked.

That is, of course, until Jerome Chandrahasen took the stage. He bantered with the audience, with not even the slightest intention of awkwardly moving into pre-written material. At the impromptu suggestion of purchasing one audience member something to eat, and the motion being seconded by the crowd, Jerome then escorted the entire audience out of the Fringe Bar and into the kebab shop next door.

They returned five minutes later, with one kebab for the hungry punter, and Jerome re-took the stage, only to say “Thank you, good night”, beckoning the MC back to the hot seat.

If anybody has ever accused Jerome Chandrahasen of being predictable , they were dead wrong. I have never seen anything like that… ever. I understand that for anybody hearing about it after the fact, it sounds like very lazy comedy (which, technically I suppose it is), and nothing special. However, for the comedians who remained in the room, dazed, confused, and completely taken aback by a 100% audience walkout (and return), it was the funniest thing that has ever happened in a comedy club.

Many comedians have made people walk out of shows, for various reasons. Either they reminded them that they left their oven on (an unlikely but not impossible scenario), or they said something that was considered offensive (I’ve done that), or the comedian was just plain boring and the punter couldn’t take it anymore. Either way, whenever a comedian has made even a single audience member walk out of a show, it has always been negative.

Somehow, not only did Jerome manage to make the entire audience get up out of their seats, head for the door and leave, but he got them to do it using charm and charisma, and put a smile on their faces. And then, after fetching some food, they miraculously returned.

A week earlier, I had made a group of very disgruntled people leave a show when I attempted to share three very true (and in no way offensive) stories I have about transexuals. Four or five people angrily stormed out, causing a big scene, and the audience loved it. It was magical. I thought I was some kind of amazing wizard for making that happen. Then Jerome (the bastard) had to go and top me by making the whole room walk out.

It just goes to show you, that anything can happen in a comedy club. Well, not anything. I mean the chances of the club being violently ransacked by a giant robot with sharks for eyeballs and a big swinging pendulum where testicles might otherwise be found is pretty slim. But in case you don’t wanna miss out on the night when THAT finally does happen, catch all the live comedy you can.

Check out www.humorous.co.nz to keep up to date with comedy happening in Wellington, and you’ll never risk missing out on something great.

It Has Begun!

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few days, you’ll know the 2011 NZ International Comedy Festival has officially started… kicked off… opened… exploded all up in your grill/face/grizzle fo’ shizzle my pizzles, nizzles, and wizzles. (What?)

The point is, it’s on. It’s happening. It’s gettin’ done.

With a HUGE delicious platter of shows for your viewing (and apparently dining) pleasure, you’re definitely gonna get something awesome in your mouth. Yeah, I said it.

There are still a few tickets left for my show, Grown Up, so get in while you can. Here. Or here. Or maybe here. Oh so many links to choose from. Here’s a hint; they all go to the same place.

I like pies.

Martinborough Haha Times (and others too)

Hey quick update to all six of you who live in Martinborough.

Be sure to head to the Settlers Bar in Martinborough Square this Thursday for some sweet live comedy from some of the country’s top comedians!

Your host James Nokise will bring to the stage Cori Gonzalez-Macuer (star of tv’s 7 Days, Jono’s New Show, and AotearoHa), Nick Gibb (Billy T award nominee for 2011) and me, Brad Zimmerman (insert future noteworthy accolades here).

The show starts at 8pm, but the last one was a sell out success, so be sure to get your tickets early.

More info about the show is available here.

And in other news there is HEAPS of comedy going on in the Capital this week. I’m talking heaps. If you don’t catch some live comedy this week, even by accident, you must be living in a cave, and therefore are possibly (probably) a member of a terrorist organisation. So you better see some comedy, or I’m calling the United States government. You don’t wanna know what they do to terrorist scum like you. So just see some comedy… or else.

Anyway, here’s a summary of some stuff that’s going down in your fair city this week:

On Wednesday (20th April) you can head to:

Comedy At The Royal, at the Royal on Lambton Quay. It’s a 7pm show packed with top pro Wellington comedians for your Wednesday night haha pleasure.

Or get on down to The Fringe Bar for your regular Wednesday helping of Wednesdays with WIT (the Wellington Improv Troupe) for some hilarious improvised action.

On Thursday you can enjoy:

Raw Meat at Mayfair Cafe in Upper Hutt. New comedians giving it a go and experienced pros trying out new stuff.

Or that awesome Martinborough thing I was telling you about

OR the third and final heat of the 2011 Raw Comedy Quest! Wellington’s newest comedians go head-to-head in an epic battle for supremacy. They each get 7 minutes in which to wow the judges and the audience, in an attempt to reach the Wellington finals, and then the national finals to be crowned New Zealand’s best new comic.

On Friday… there’s nothing. Take a break. Chill out. Relax, bitches.

On Saturday, head to the Cavern Club (Allen St, Wellington CBD) for Jarred Christmas (kiwi ex-pat who has taken UK comedy and TV by storm), Cohen Holloway, James Nokise, and Nick Rado. This show is sure to be a big one, so make sure you get in there and finish your week with a bang.

So that’s it. Get out there and get hit with the comedy stick. Go on. Don’t make me chase you.

More info about all these gigs is available here. Or google them or something. I don’t know what you wanna do about it. Just do something. And put some clothes on.

Grown Up

So, I’ve been thinking…

And I know that’s never followed by anything good. Nobody ever says “So, I’ve been thinking…” and follows with “I should give you a million dollars” or “I’m gonna share this cake with you” or “you’re an animal in the sack and I want you to paint my face with honey mustard mayo and smack my little bottom.”

It’s usually something more like “I don’t like your face” or “I’m pretty sure that smell is you” or “you should leave now before I call the mental institute you escaped from”.

But in this case, it could be something in either category, depending on your viewpoint in life, and how you regard the process of getting older.

So, I’ve been thinking…

… I’m a grown up now. A big kid. An adult. A sexy man-beast, completely irresistable to the opposite sex. That last one is irrelevant in this case, but still very, very true. Go on. Check it out here.

That’s a grown up. it may not look like it, but it is. That guy has travelled the world and returned to settle down. He’s purchased a first home, and now he’s engaged. Is he ready for this? Who the hell knows? Nobody knows. We’ll see. If you’re blind, I’ll send you a postcard in braille so you can be a part of it. Although if you’re blind, you’re not reading this. So either I’m talking to nobody right now, or you’re faking it and should be ashamed of yourself. I’ve gone off track.

Anyway, I don’t know what my point is. I’m a grown up now. So what? I can’t remember why that’s important, but it just is. Shut up. I had a point, but now I don’t.

Are you a grown up? What’s your favourite or least favourite thing about being a grown up? Tell me.

Gingernuts.

Comedy in the Hutt Valley

Hey all you Hutt Valley folk!

Just when you thought the world had forgotten you, and you were thinking of moving into Wellington city, BOOM… there’s live comedy all up in your face.

How do you like them apples? I bet you like them. You should like them. They’re pretty good apples.

First thing that you should be happy about is…

Raw Meat Comedy
Mayfair Cafe, 116 Main Street, Upper Hutt
Thursdays (March 3rd & 17th, April 7th & 21st)
Come along and be a part of the comedy process as Wellington’s up-and-comers strutt their best stuff, and comedy veterans try out some new jokes. Guaranteed good times.

And if THAT isn’t enough for you insatiable (and did I mention handsome) Hutt folk, then make sure you don’t miss out on Comedy in the Valley!

Comedy in the Valley is a showcase of 4 of Wellington’s best and brightest comedians, previewing their shows for this year’s New Zealand International Comedy Festival, just for you lucky people! Make sure you grab a ticket early, because they’re already running low.

Comedy in the Valley
The Box Theatre, 1/47 Buick Street, Petone
Friday 11th March
Hosted by the most sought-after newcomer to Wellington comedy, Shaun Howes, and featuring Brad Zimmerman (that’s me) and Billy T Award Nominees, Jerome Chandrahasen and Nick Rado.
Tickets available here.

If you’re in Upper Hutt, Lower Hutt, or any other Hutt, get amongst it and don’t be that guy that missed out. Nobody likes that guy. That guy’s a dick.

Get Amongst It

Yo, I iz jus’ quick updatin’ y’allz on sum stuff fo’ y’allz 2 be knowin’ ’bout.

Wow, I think that sentence gave me cancer.

Anyway, for fans in Auckland, Brad (that’s me) will be doing a run of shows at The Classic Comedy Club on Queen Street next week. To catch him (me) in action, here are the details:

Wed 9th Feb – Big Wednesday
Thu 10th Feb – Pro Comedy Night
Fri 11th Feb – Weekend Comedy Showcase (8pm)
Fri 11th Feb – The Late Show (10pm)
Sat 12th Feb – Weekend Comedy Showcase

Check out the Classic Website for more info about these (and lots of other) shows.

So there you have it. Now you know where he’ll (I’ll) be. You can’t UN-know it.

In other news, Raw Meat Mondays have started up again for 2011, the first show having enjoyed a great crowd on Monday 31st Jan. Let’s keep that rolling with more great, enthusiastic crowds each week.

Make sure to come along to the Fringe Bar (Cnr Cuba & Vivian St, Wellington) before 8pm every Monday to catch new comedians giving it a go, and old comedians trying out some experimental new shit. Only $5 for a guaranteed night of entertainment.

Summary:
- I’ll be in Auckland doing the above shows.
- Raw Meat Mondays are back for 2011.

Grab a gingernut and get amongst it.

Yo, yo, yo

It’s 2011, bitches!

I don’t know why I called you all bitches just now. In hindsight it seems so degrading, offensive, and downright uncalled for. I apologise. Now stop being a bunch of bitches.

With what I said above, I’m reminded of the teachings of the prophet. No, not your silly Mohamed or Muhammed or whatever you kids are worshipping these days, I’m of course talking about the teachings of the prophet, Ja Rule.

Ja (we’re on a first name basis, me and Ja), once spoke the immortal words “Guess who’s back to personify money, power, and bitches but when bitches be gettin’ money that’s when shit get ridiculous” in one of his many wonderful and insightful songs.

He states that somebody is back (i.e. they have returned from somewhere) and they are here to act as the personification or earthly embodiment or money, power, and bitches. Although he requests that we guess who is back to do these things, it is clear from the context of the rest of the recording, that it is actually he (Ja Rule himself) who has returned to satisfy said personification.

He then goes on to say that “when bitches be gettin’ money that’s when shit get ridiculous”. Although it would seem that this is a sexist comment, meant to be hurtful towards women, it is in actual fact an outcry for male rights. Ja has noted the rise in women’s rights, feminism, and girl power, in the last few decades, and fears that men may be losing their way.

It is a common observation in these modern times, that feminism has risen to a point where women have actually turned the tables, and men are now oppressed in society. Some people wish to hold women down, in an effort to reverse this effect, but the wonderful and infallible messiah, Ja Rule, is not one of those people.

Despite what is stated in the song, Ja in no way believes that women shouldn’t “be gettin’ money”. Nothing could be further from the truth. He believes that women and men both have the right to be earning money in the workplace, on an equal level. If you read between the lines, you will note that he is strong in his stance that we should be mindful of things getting out of hand due to the way we are living today (i.e. “that’s when shit get ridiculous).

In short, Ja Rule is a role model for all of us. He is willing to stand up for what he believes in, which is true equality between men and women.

Nah, just kidding. He’s just a really shit rapper.

Happy new year everybody. It’s 2011 and I’m back to personify hot chocolate and gingernuts.

The Wednesday Hate #13

A friend of mine asked me to do a Wednesday Hate about “sprinkles”. His exact words were “Hey, you should do a Wednesday Hate about sprinkles!” I think I interpreted that correctly. I hope I didn’t miss something in his very subtle language. He can be quite cryptic sometimes. He’s an enigma.

And, YES, I do have friends.

Why would I hate on sprinkles? Have sprinkles ever (EVER) done anything to make any situation worse? I don’t think anyone in the history of the world has ever said “Man, I wish all these sprinkles would just fuck off! I’m trying to perform surgery on this orphaned baby whale.”

Everybody knows that sprinkles have many useful applications in today’s society. And by “application” I mean the traditional definition of the word “application”. I’m not talking about Farmville or some other pointless time-waster you’re so proud of having on your iPhone.

Sprinkles even make this piece of crap look good

Sprinkles are not to be hated on. In fact, they’re probably the only thing in the world that can’t be hated. I know you’re thinking “What about unicorns, Brad? You can’t hate on unicorns.” Well you’re wrong. I admit unicorns are pretty cool sometimes, but also they can be huge dickheads. Literally. I once saw a unicorn use his horn to rape a woman. It wasn’t pleasant. Actually it was like the ultimate betrayal, when you consider how much women love unicorns. She was like “Oh my god a unicorn! He’s so beautiful. This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.” And then the unicorn went “Yeah, take this bitch. Sit still while I horn you in your tender areas.” And then she cried in therapy for weeks. Stupid unicorn.

But sprinkles never raped anybody. They may have tried once in the seventies, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t succeed. Although there was one crazy night, there was heaps of acid, ya know what, I don’t think we need to go into it right now.

Sprinkles even make this piece of crap look good

Anyway, sometimes you don’t feel like having sprinkles on your ice cream, or your fudge gingernut sundae, or your crackpipe, or your fried elephant foot with onions, and that’s okay. Just say “Not today, Sprinkles. I really wanna taste the vanilla in its purest form.” And Sprinkles will go “Yeah, right on brother. I’ll see you later.” And off he goes into the mist. Was that so hard? Nobody got hurt. Don’t hate on sprinkles. Sprinkles is a cool guy.

So I told my friend all of this, and said “No, I’m not going to hate on sprinkles.” And he said “What about sherbert?” So I punched him. Shebert is Sprinkles’ adorable cousin. He said “What did you do that for?” And I told him it’s because I’m actually sherbert in disguise. Then I took off my mask, he gasped in terror, and then I ate him.

Disclaimer: You are probably very aware right now that nothing I have said above actually happened.

(I put that disclaimer in there for the small group of people who would read that, believe every word of it, and start a religion about it. You know they’re out there. People have started religions over dumber ideas than that.)

The Wednesday Hate #12

Okay, I’ve been thinking it’s getting to be that time of the year when people start feeling all “boohoo I’m so lonely because it’s Christmas and I have nobody in my life” and whatnot, so I’ve decided to do a Wednesday Hate on behalf of all those lonely lonely losers out there, who just can’t find someone to be with.

Actually for most lonely people, it’s not that they can’t find someone they like (beggars can’t be choosers), it’s that nobody wants to be found by THEM. I mean, after all, they are gigantic losers. Shame losers. Shame.

In the spirit of whatever I said just up there, I am going to hate on loneliness. Loneliness is pretty shit. Well, not that I know personally what it’s like (clearly because I’m so awesome and everybody in the world wants to be around me all day, every day) but based on the information I’ve gathered from sad movies, emo songs, country songs, r’n’b songs, pretty much most songs ever written, loneliness is a bit of a cunt.

Here are some of Brad Zimmerman’s patented tips to get somebody special in your life, and finally punch that pesky lonely-monster right in its stupid smelly face. (Note: The smelliness is why it has no friends).

Tip #1: Stop being such a loser. People would like you if you were a better person.

Tip #2: Raise your odds for success. Everybody knows it’s all about numbers. If you hassle and bother and creep out a thousand people, chances are at least one of them will throw you a pity-friendship.

Tip #3: Become famous for no reason. Even the worst people in the entire world can have legions of adoring followers if they get their worthless butt on TV. Look at the cast of Jersey Shore. Do you think they had friends before the show? That’s right, I didn’t think so.

Tip #4: If all else fails, money. People will hang around if they know you have money. They do this because they would also like to have money. They’ve got shit to buy, like diamonds, Ferraris, and Gingernuts. If you show them, in blatant displays of your personal wealth, that you’re willing to throw some money around, you’ll have so many friends (read “whores”) that you’ll forget you were ever a huge loser.

And that’s it. That’s all it takes. I know you’re feeling like a total douche right now, because these steps are so easy and obvious, and the fact that you haven’t already tried them just makes you that much shitter. But get out there, turn that frown upside down, and go make some friends, you lonely sack of crap.

I’m calling you names to get you pumped up. And also because I hate you. Woah, I sound just like your mum.