This ia just a quick little reminder about the Valentine’s Show coming up (a week to go). Tickets are on sale here, or you could try your luck with door sales on the night. The risk is yours. Ooh-woo-ooh scary.

Anyway, here’s the confirmed lineup of comedians for you (it has changed slightly since the last post)

Natalie Britten
Hadley Donaldson
James Nokise
Sam Smith
Nathan Winter
Brad Zimmerman
and hosted by Jerome Chandrahasen

There will also be some special guests as well, so don’t miss out on those.

The venue is still Meow Bar (9 Edward Street, Wellington) who boasts a fantastic array of drinks and treats, including a very impressive gluten-free selection.

Love and other such things,

Brad

P.S. The delicious chocolate giveaway goodie-bag of yumyum-ness from Whittaker’s is still looking very delicious. That much hasn’t changed. It taunts me. It calls my name at night when I’m trying to sleep. You better come and win it for your sake and mine.

What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you. However, I would appreciate if you didn’t somehow use the information to torture small animals or kidnap children. That’s bad. Don’t do that with my information. If you absolutely must do one of these activities, please find a way to do it without using the information I have given you. I don’t want to be involved in your strange and twisted fancies.

Anyway, back to the point, I am getting married later this year.

As the woman I am marrying happens to be British, there are a lot of people who will be coming a long way to be a part of our special day. A very long way. Go google the word “Antipodes”, to find out just how far they have to come. In fact, they’re coming from so far away, that if they were any further away, they’d be closer (or in space).

As a minor effort to help ease the financial burden of some of these important people, I am raising funds. I have chosen to raise funds the traditional way: with a fundraiser. I know, right? Wow. How did I think of it?

The fundraising medium I have chosen, however, is way better than all those other lame fundraisers you see around the place. I’m not just putting some annoying guy on a street corner with a bucket of change, and a powerful guilt-stare.

Instead, I am assembling a stellar compilation of local comedy talent, and putting on a show for you fine people. How does that sound? Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? Yeah, you love it.

Speaking of love (awesome segue, Brad), since the point of the show is to help bring people to my wedding day (i.e. the day my lovely lady and I celebrate our love), the show will take place on that most love-love-lovely of days; Valentine’s Day. That’s Tuesday 14th of February, for all the men who didn’t know (am I right, ladies? I’m totally right).

Looking at you, I can tell you’re the kind of person who has always disappointed your partner on Valentine’s Day (no, I don’t mean like that, but since you mention it, you could try a little harder…). Don’t disappoint them this year. Dress up nice, take them out, treat them right, and give them the gift of laughter. Make it the best Valentine’s Day yet.

Featuring top local comedians, including:

Jerome Chandrahasen
“Infectious enthusiasm and a delightfully lateral view of the world” – Theatreview

Sam Smith
Winner 2011 Wellington Raw Comedy Quest

Nathan Winter
Nominee NZ Comedy Guild Best Gag 2011

Brad Zimmerman
“A confident, engaging performer… quite the wordsmith” – Chortle

And more great acts to be confirmed.

This Valentine’s Day laugh-fest is proudly sponsored by the Wellington Humorous Arts Trust (www.humorous.co.nz), and Whittaker’s Chocolate (www.whittakers.co.nz), who have kindly donated a delicious chocolate goodie package to be raffled away to a lucky audience member. Could it be you? Possibly.

In summary:

Laughing For Love
8pm, Tuesday, February 14th
Meow Bar (9 Edward Street Wellington)
Tickets $18 ($15 Concession)

You might win chocolate!

Tickets available at www.eventfinder.co.nz (search Laughing For Love)

And not in the fun “Hey yeah woo we were up all night it was crazy!” kind of way. I mean in the excruciating “I’ve been lying here for so long I actually envy the dead” kind of way. If you’ve never done it, I highly recommend you keep it that way. It sucks. It’s not fun.

Although I know I’m not the first person in the world to suffer from any degree of insomnia (nor is this the first time it has ever happened to me), I do find this particular incident noteworthy, because I didn’t have a single constructive thought the entire time.

That’s right. Eight hours of lying dead-still in the dark and not a single thought went through my head, except for “I wish I was asleep I wish I was asleep I whisk a washing sheep”. It eventually became gibberish.

Normally, when I’ve had a rough time sleeping, I’ve at least managed to use the time constructively, and organise any previously unorganised or chaotic thoughts that were bouncing around in my enormous brain. I’ve arranged schedules, designed solutions to problems, or on the very odd occasion, even come up with a joke or two.

I can honestly say last night was the first time in my life that I have wasted an entire eight hour block or time. Eight hours… gone. Done. Dusted. Over. In the past.

I don’t have anything funny to say about it, because I’m so freaking tired now, and not to mention angry. Damn you, brain! Why do you have to be such a dick? Seriously. You couldn’t have at least done something tiny for me during that time? You couldn’t have learned Spanish or mentally solved a hypothetical Rubiks cube or figured out the path to world peace for me? Thanks for nothing, asshole. I don’t know why I still bother carrying you around with me all the time. Deadweight son of a bitch. Free-loading, lazy, good-for-nothing so-and-so.

Oh well, screw it.

Now for some shameless promo stuff.

Brad Zimmerman (that’s me, but I like to do the third-person thing from time to time) will be performing at the following shows in the coming weeks:

24-Nov-11 The Comedy Corner
28-Nov-11 Raw Meat Monday @ The Fringe Bar
15-Dec-11 The Comedy Corner

And don’t forget to catch the hilarious Wilson Dixon (7 Days, NZ Comedy Gala) with James Nokise (NZ Comedy Gala) and Nick Rado (AotearoHa) in Raumati on Thursday December 1st or in Masterton on Friday December 2nd. More info HERE.

And catch Cohen Holloway (Facelift and the movie, Boy) with Jerome Chandrahasen (NZ Comedy Gala) in Upper Hutt on Saturday December 10th. Info HERE.

I’m not going to proof-read this post. I’ll leave that to destiny.

The competition consisted of writing either a rap, a song, a poem, or a short story about the dangers of problem gambling. Naturally (owing to me being rather gangster and whathaveyou) I chose to write a rap. I wrote the shit out of that rap. I wrote that rap like somebody somewhere was on fire, and the only way to put them out was by writing a rap (for some reason). What I’m getting at is that I was a regional winner for Wellington, and runner-up nationally.

Being a part of the event was an honour, but the real prize was to participate in a recording studio day, at Munkee Studios in Wellington, with Scribe and some of the winners from around the country.

And what a blast that was! Hanging out in a recording studio with a cool group of people; now I know what Jay-Z feels like. Except my life is better because I don’t have to deal with that Beyonce chick. Eugh. Shudder. Poor Jay. Hang in there, bro.

The winners from around the country were all really awesome people, and each brought something really unique to the experience. Scribe, for anyone who didn’t know, is a wicked dude (and crazy tall).

Here’s a picture of me recording a rap in the studio. Clearly, from my facial expression, purple t-shirt, and “thug-like” body language, you can tell I’m the hardest mofo on the block (da blok?):

The competition was all to raise awareness about the dangers of problem gambling, so obviously it is a very serious subject matter, and I have nothing but respect for the organisers and the whole Choice Not Chance organisation.

However, I suck at rapping.

I know it’s hard to believe (on account of my aforementioned “gangsterness”) but I’m actually very bad at it. Hilariously bad.

Although I do have to give “mad props” and “big ups” to “mah boy”, Robbie Ellis, who made the wicked beat you hear behind my awful, awful rapping. He whipped that shit up like a seasoned pro, when he should’ve been preparing for a live show. Thanks bro. You pulled a sexy magic rabbit out of that hat. (Did I just call a rabbit sexy? Yes I did. Deal with it.)

Follow THIS LINK to hear my ridiculous rap track (over Robbie’s sweet beat), and also the really awesome raps/songs/poems/short stories from the other national winners. Do it.

And then head along to the CHOICE NOT CHANCE HOMEPAGE to learn more about what these folks do for the community.

Also, if you’re a problem gambler, get your head out of your ass and get some help.

Did you stop reading yet? No, you didn’t. I can tell.

I’m just posting something because I realised I haven’t posted anything in a week, and that last one was just a quick promo. So if you ignore that post, it’s actually been (what seems like) months since I’ve posted an actual thought.

This post, just in case you haven’t stopped reading yet, contains no actual thoughts. None. Well, I guess it contains the one thought about it containing no thoughts. Which means the thought that there are no thoughts in this post is a lie, as it is actually a thought. You follow me? Good, because I don’t.

What the hell am I talking about? This is very quickly crumbling into something that has even me scrunching up my forehead and wondering what the fuck is going on in my cranium.

So should I make this post about having no thoughts? There’s a subject to write about. No thoughts. It’s a state many guys are familiar with. I don’t think women seem to understand it though. (And yes, I’m about to discuss the difference between men and women… comedy gold).

A question that every woman I’ve ever known seems to have at the tip of their tongue at all times, is “What are you thinking about?” and they never seem to accept my answer of “Nothing”. Because for some reason, I don’t think they believe we men can actually be thinking about nothing. Nothing is what I think 99% of the time. The other 1% I’m thinking about either boobs, video games, or video games with boobs in them. That’s my thought process. Predominantly nothing. But they don’t accept that.

Throughout my life, every time a woman has asked me “What are you thinking about?” and I’ve responded “Nothing”, I’ve been immediately bombarded with follow up questions, probing into what I meant by “Nothing”.

Apparently we can’t be thinking nothing. Apparently, when we say “Nothing” we actually mean “Nothing that I want you to find out about”. So when you tell your wife “Nothing”, she doesn’t hear “Nothing”, she hears “I’m fucking my assistant”.

So that was a little rant that kinda came out of nowhere. Sorry about that. But I did tell you not to read this post. You were warned. It’s your fault now.

Get on down to The Fringe Bar (cnr Cuba & Vivian St, Wgtn). The show starts at 8pm, but get in early for drinks and whatever else you do before a show. It’ll be the best $8.00 you spend all week.

That’s right. Only $8.00 for an awesome night of entertainment, hosted by the most handsome comedian this side of the Missisippi.

In summary:
Awesome comedy hosted by Brad Zimmerman
Fringe Bar (cnr Cuba & Vivian St, Wgtn)
Only $8.00
8pm start

There. Now you know all about it. There’s no excuses left.

Now for the whole story:

I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve been places. Yeah, that’s right. You know you’re jealous. You’re like “I’ve never been anywhere” and I’m like “Shame”.

Another thing I’ve done is eat lamb shanks in every country I’ve been to, apart from Mexico. It’s nothing personal, Mexico. It’s just that I didn’t spend long in your country, and most of the time I was too tequila’d to actually order something from a menu. Plus, I don’t know if you do lamb shanks in your country. Does Mexico do lamb shanks? That’s a question for another time.

The point is, I’ve had lamb shanks all over the world. I’ve enjoyed lamb shanks in Australia, both coasts of the USA, the UK, France, all over my native New Zealand, and even in Sweden. The reason I bring this to light now is that I have just discovered the best lamb shanks in the world.

The most delicious, mouth-watering, perfect lamb shanks in all the world can be found right here in New Zealand. I needn’t have bothered travelling.

In fact, not only are they in New Zealand, they’re actually in my little suburban neighbourhood.

That’s right, the best lamb shanks on the planet can be found at The Roundabout in Tawa. Last Friday night, my fiancee and I decided to have dinner at our little local place, only having dined on bar-type food there in the past, such as pizza and fries.

I ordered the lamb shanks from the dinner menu, unsure if I had made the right decision (it’s always hard to choose between lamb shanks, steak, or ribs), but what the waiter brought to the table pushed those concerns right out the window. It pushed them hard. Those concerns were a ba-jillion miles away. They were so far away, I used a made-up number. That’s pretty far.

The meal supplied to me, on which I hungrily dined, was nothing shy of absolute perfection. The meat, delicious and tender, was something I would liken to heaven (if heaven was anything more than an imaginary notion used to comfort weak-minded gullible idiots), the mashed potato was a consistency I would describe as legendary, and the gravy – OH DEAR GOD THE GRAVY – was astounding.

My fiancee had the burger, and didn’t seem to have any complaints. She gave me a small piece of the smoky bacon that came with it, and that was painfully good as well.

The only suggestion I have for improving the lamb shanks at The Roundabout in Tawa, is that they could add little chopped up bits of that smoky bacon, and they will have created the most amazing thing on the planet.

I know this whole thing sounds like blatant hyperbole, but you don’t know shit. Shut up. What do you know? Have you tried the lamb shanks I’m talking about? If you have, let me know if I’m wrong. If you haven’t, go try them before you say anything. You’ll thank me.

If you’re from The Roundabout, listen to me right now. Please add a little bit of smoky bacon to your lamb shanks. I’m serious. You’ll have a real winner.

Initially, I was hesitant to write this post, because I am not a food critic. Food critics, for the most part, are pretentious over-analysing wankers who want nothing more than to pretend they’re cultured and belittle things that don’t deserve it.

But I put that aside because I just simply had to tell you how good this food is. If you’re in Wellington, make a plan to get your ass to The Roundabout in Tawa.

Check it out if you like morons complaining about things (just because that’s what morons like to do), and a comic genius shutting them down beautifully.

Here’s the link.

So, in a tiny little effort to prove that not all hope is lost, here is a list of five things that, in the face of so much suckiness, are awesome.

Please note: the awesomeness of these things is based completely on my own opinion, and you may disagree. If you do happen to disagree with the awesomeness of one or more of the below, then don’t get all up-in-arms and crazy. Just kindly walk away from your computer, count to ten, and then go fuck yourself. I don’t care what your stupid opinion is. And get a haircut. You look like a dick. If, however, you do agree with me about how awesome these five things are, then you are the sixth awesome thing to add to the list. Right on, brother. Put that in your trophy case and display it proudly.

Awesome thing #1 – Louis CK and Doug Stanhope

I know that these two dudes are separate people, and should have their own separate entries in the ’5 Things That Are Awesome’ list, but I’ve grouped them together as they are both stand up comedians, and I have trouble picking which is my favourite. If you do not know who either of these guys are, you need to punch yourself in the dick. And then go to Youtube, watch some clips, and buy their CDs/DVDs.

Awesome thing #2 – Gummy-type candies shaped like things

They say you’re never too old to enjoy candy. Well, actually I don’t know if anybody says that, but they should. Candy is awesome. I am a grown man and I love candy. I own a house and I love candy. I am getting married next year and I enjoy candy. Candy is great. And what’s even better is when candy is all gummy-like, and the candy-making-pixies (I’m going to go ahead and assume candy is made by pixies and not humans) make it shaped like things. Smiley faces are popular, as are various animals (mostly exotic zoo-like animals), and the shape of the fruit after which the gummy is supposedly flavoured. Fun for everybody and delicious.

Awesome thing #3 – Something warm to hold on a cold day

This one is topical for me, because I am currently freezing my nutsicles off this morning, and I am holding (on-and-off so I can type) a warm cup of tea. Holding the warm tea is the only thing that is keeping me from going on a killing spree, and using the corpses of my kills to wrap myself in to keep from freezing to death. Thank you warm cup of tea, for preventing such horrible things. You are truly a hero this day.

Awesome thing #4 – Live Comedy

Watching live comedy is one of the greatest things in modern times, as far as entertainment is concerned. Comedy is so much more accessible to the average person, and so much more universal (and needed) than some wanky piece of drama. Drama, or poetry, or other garbage like that often requires the audience to have a pre-existing wealth of cultured knowledge and a high level of in-built pretentiousness to enjoy it. It belittles the common stupid person, and pushes the everyman down into a pool of exclusion. Comedy simply requires that they know how to laugh. It also helps to not be a stuck up prick. Yay comedy! Boo drama!

Awesome thing #5 – Something I haven’t thought of yet

Number five on this list is a bit of a mystery. It’s the enjoyment of not knowing what comes next. It’s the mild level of excitement that comes with uncertainty and leaping face-first into the unknown. If you’re wondering right now if this last one is legit, or I just didn’t bother thinking of another example, you’re absolutely correct. Or are you? You totally are. Or are you? Yes. Yes you are… or are you? Okay this could go on forever, but the repetition would actually go against the point of this item on the list; the unknown. The unknown is important because it keeps you on your toes. Life is so much better when you don’t know exactly what’s around the corner. Like at the end of this sentence there might even be a giraffe. And look at that, there was a giraffe. How exciting is that? We were talking about possibilities and the unknown, and now we’re talking about giraffes. Anything can happen.

So that’s my list of five things that are awesome. I hope you agree with at least one of these things.

Now go forth and do something with your life. Close all your Internet Explorer tabs with the porn videos you were loading while you read this post, put your pants back on, shut your laptop, leave the Starbucks you were sitting in, and get some shit done.

That’s right, ladies, gentlemen, (and other) Brad Zimmerman is now officially a nerd. Looking back, using that wonderful yet devastating thing known as hindsight, this has actually been a long time coming.

I have been a geek for some time (the differences were brought to my attention by Mr. Nikolai L’Estrange) and I have been teetering on the verge of taking the next step into nerdom (nerddom? nerdness? nerding?) for a while now.

I am an uber-geek when it comes to epic fantasy novels. That’s right, bitches, I just gotta love me some sword & sorcery. My favourites are the big, fat door-stopper books that you could use to kill a co-worker if you so wished. I know you’ve been tempted. I simply can’t get enough of the books filled with morally ambiguous knights, cunning nobelmen, and wizards with hidden agendas.

Ooh yeah, that’s the good stuff. If I could somehow filter fantasy novels into some kind of concentrated liquid, and then inject them into myself using sterilised medical equipment, I would. Actually, I wouldn’t. That’s a bit too far. Drugs are bad, kids.

Also, even now that I am in my mid-twenties, I am still a huge fan of videogames, more specifically videogames with a fantasy-ish theme. Even more specifically than that, fantasy-themed RPG’s (that means Role-Playing Games for all you non-geeks out there). I will happily dedicate hours or days or even weeks of my life to these things… Ya know what? Now that I think about it, I am absolutely schocked I still have a fiancee. She’s a trooper. I should buy her something nice.

So my geekdom is completely transparent and no secret to anybody. But geeks are different from nerds. I won’t go into the differences, but just know they are many and well-defined.

The reason I believe I have crossed this line is that I now am the owner of the tablet computer. And I don’t have this little handheld marvel for the social purposes that many busy people-on-the-go may have theirs. No, no, no. I have mine simply because I wanted one with which to play games, read things, and otherwise kill valuable time. This pushed me right up to the edge of the nerd-cliff, and even dangled me over the side, tempting me with the excitement and wonder of the fall into full-blown nerdliness.

I finally took the plunge and became Captain Nerdface when I learned how to create Apps for my and other handheld devices. Yes, that’s right. I programmed. It actually makes me shudder to think.

And you know what? I liked it. It felt good. I might programme again. Even now, this very moment you are reading, I am thinking and planning what kind of programmes I am going to make. Maybe I’ll make a game. Maybe a useful tool that links your calendar with your dog’s bowel movements or something. I don’t know yet. That’s half the fun.

There is no point to this post, and no comedic content. I just wanted to keep you updated with what’s going on in my life. That’s all. Isn’t that what friends do? Forgive me for thinking you and I were close enough to share our feelings. I guess you don’t feel the same. That’s a bit harsh. I think you should apologise to me or I won’t come to Christmas dinner with you this year. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you (or that delicious ham you make each year). Give me a hug.

Ramble over.

Seacrest out.