Anyway, if your rock and/or cave situation has left you wondering “What the hell is the NZ comedy whoozit?” I’ll tell you. 

The NZ International Comedy Festival is a fantastic three weeks on the NZ comedy calendar. It comes around every April/May, and brings the best local and international comedians together into a giant smorgasbord of giggles and amalgamation of chuckles. I know, right? A smorgasbord AND an amalgamation. That’s pretty great.

Check out www.comedyfestival.co.nz for information about the shows that you can see. 

Normally, at this point, I’d be promoting my own show, or a project with which I’m passionately involved. So what’s the show I’m promoting? What’s the show I’m about to tell you about?

None! That’s right none. This year, your favourite comedian, Brad Zimmerman, has stepped back, and sat his sexy butt down in the passenger seat. It’s gonna be an awesome (stress free) three weeks, filled with incredible shows to see, and I can’t wait. Boom.

The best thing about the comedy festival is that it’s the one time of the year that the New Zealand public actually knows that comedy exists in this country. For the rest of the year, the average kiwi has no idea that comedy happens in their little country, and as a performer it’s frustrating as hell.

That’s the most important thing about the festival, in my opinion. It’s the one opportunity us pathetic little comedy peons get to acquire some well-earned recognition for our hard work and determination. Also, the the mild possibility of being seen by somebody influential is an added bonus.

Anyway, the whole point of this little post/whinge was to let you know the festival is almost here. Two weeks away, or something like that.

So please, New Zealand public, visit www.comedyfestival.co.nz, buy some show tickets and support live comedy. 

I sit here (“here” meaning the place where I currently am, not anywhere else, in case that needed to be cleared up) enjoying a tasty soft-serve ice cream, which I have just purchased from none other than Mr. Whippy.

Now, you may or may not know what Mr. Whippy is. Whether you do or don’t, there’s a pretty good chance that you probably have an ice cream truck in your area. Whether that truck is called Mr. Whippy, or Frosty Boy, or The Ice Cream Guy, or Captain Shove This In Your Face, the experience is always the same: awesome.

Before this very moment, I can’t remember the last time I had one of these things. (I got the sherbert one this time. You know the one I mean, with the pink sherbert on it). Even though I don’t know when my last one of these was, I know that these ice creams were a huge part of my younger years. A huge part. A HUGE part.

As with a large number of people who grew up in New Zealand, a disproportionate amount of my life was spent on or near a beach. There was always sand, there was always water, and there was always ice cream.

But now, although I am only in my mid-twenties, I have a career, a mortgage, an upcoming wedding, and a sometimes-overwhelming amalgam of responsibilities plugging up my brain and flashing in front of my face.

But not right now. Right now is different. Right now is special. Right now I’m sitting in a comfortable chair, slowly sampling a perfect reminder of my past years.

This is truly one of those total emotional childhood regression moments. I’m a delighted child right now. From the instant I heard the truck coming down the street with that familiar “Doo doo doo doo doo doo” (okay so the tune doesn’t come across very well in writing), to the moment I put my lips up to taste the creamy sherberty goodness, it was like the last ten or twenty years of my life never happened.

However, as satisfying and liberating as the regression feels, I’ve just finished the ice cream, and now it’s back to reality. It’s back to mortgages and jobs and traffic jams and bank accounts (and thanks to the ice cream, it’s back to adult digestion issues).

Just thought I would share this moment with you, as seemingly pointless as it is.

In hindsight, I should’ve taken a photo of the ice cream.

No, don’t be alarmed. I know you thought everybody had forgotten about you, but I haven’t forgotten. You’re still in my thoughts. I sometimes dream of you. It’s not creepy or anything. It’s usually sweet (‘usually’ meaning sometimes it’s sweet, but sometimes it’s nasty and filthy the way you love it, Lower Hutt, you dirty minx).

Anyway, there’s an incredible Live Stand-Up Comedy show coming your way, that I think you should know about. Are you a fan of television? I know you are. You’ve got “I watch TV for several hours a day” written all over your sexy face.

Well, then you’ll be excited to know that TV comedians James Nokise (Pulp Comedy, TV Comedy Gala), Jerome Chandrahasen (Rhys Darby’s Comedy Christmas Cracker), Cori Gonzalez-Macuer (7 Days, The Jono Project, Cleo Bachelor of the Year) and Jeremy Elwood (7 Days), are bringing you a sweet-as-the-sweetest-corn comedy show featuring Wellington’s top up-and-coming comics.

And who are these so called “up-and-coming” (meaning their comedy careers are coming in an upward direction) comics? Well, I’ll tell you who they are. Just be patient.

They are Rick Threlfo, Hilaire Carmody, Sam Smith, Jonny Potts, and none other than Brad Zimmerman. If you’re paying attention to what website you’re looking at right now, you’ll know by now that the last guy, Brad Zimmerman, is me. That’s who I am. I’ve been that guy for ages and it’s working out so far. He’s got all sorts of exciting things going on.

You should really be a part of this thing. It is guaranteed to be the most exciting thing that will ever happen in Lower Hutt. You’ll love it.

Here are the details, so you can Facebook them, or Tweet them, or text them, or good old fashioned write them down:

Young Guns Comedy Show
Venue: Little Theatre Lower Hutt
Date: Thursday 9 March, 8pm
Price: $20 Concession, $25 General Admission

Holy cow! Wow! Surprise! Shock! Exclamation! That sounds totally wicked! It sure does, Lower Hutt. It sure does. Now go tell your friends, go to THIS LINK and buy your tickets in advance, and then go make yourself a hot chocolate because you totally deserve it.

Remember, this show is ONE NIGHT ONLY so, if you miss it, you’ll be kicking yourself forever and ever, and every story you tell for the rest of your life will begin with the words “If only I went to that Comedy Show, then maybe I…”

Now here’s a picture of a goose

This ia just a quick little reminder about the Valentine’s Show coming up (a week to go). Tickets are on sale here, or you could try your luck with door sales on the night. The risk is yours. Ooh-woo-ooh scary.

Anyway, here’s the confirmed lineup of comedians for you (it has changed slightly since the last post)

Natalie Britten
Hadley Donaldson
James Nokise
Sam Smith
Nathan Winter
Brad Zimmerman
and hosted by Jerome Chandrahasen

There will also be some special guests as well, so don’t miss out on those.

The venue is still Meow Bar (9 Edward Street, Wellington) who boasts a fantastic array of drinks and treats, including a very impressive gluten-free selection.

Love and other such things,

Brad

P.S. The delicious chocolate giveaway goodie-bag of yumyum-ness from Whittaker’s is still looking very delicious. That much hasn’t changed. It taunts me. It calls my name at night when I’m trying to sleep. You better come and win it for your sake and mine.

What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you. However, I would appreciate if you didn’t somehow use the information to torture small animals or kidnap children. That’s bad. Don’t do that with my information. If you absolutely must do one of these activities, please find a way to do it without using the information I have given you. I don’t want to be involved in your strange and twisted fancies.

Anyway, back to the point, I am getting married later this year.

As the woman I am marrying happens to be British, there are a lot of people who will be coming a long way to be a part of our special day. A very long way. Go google the word “Antipodes”, to find out just how far they have to come. In fact, they’re coming from so far away, that if they were any further away, they’d be closer (or in space).

As a minor effort to help ease the financial burden of some of these important people, I am raising funds. I have chosen to raise funds the traditional way: with a fundraiser. I know, right? Wow. How did I think of it?

The fundraising medium I have chosen, however, is way better than all those other lame fundraisers you see around the place. I’m not just putting some annoying guy on a street corner with a bucket of change, and a powerful guilt-stare.

Instead, I am assembling a stellar compilation of local comedy talent, and putting on a show for you fine people. How does that sound? Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? Yeah, you love it.

Speaking of love (awesome segue, Brad), since the point of the show is to help bring people to my wedding day (i.e. the day my lovely lady and I celebrate our love), the show will take place on that most love-love-lovely of days; Valentine’s Day. That’s Tuesday 14th of February, for all the men who didn’t know (am I right, ladies? I’m totally right).

Looking at you, I can tell you’re the kind of person who has always disappointed your partner on Valentine’s Day (no, I don’t mean like that, but since you mention it, you could try a little harder…). Don’t disappoint them this year. Dress up nice, take them out, treat them right, and give them the gift of laughter. Make it the best Valentine’s Day yet.

Featuring top local comedians, including:

Jerome Chandrahasen
“Infectious enthusiasm and a delightfully lateral view of the world” – Theatreview

Sam Smith
Winner 2011 Wellington Raw Comedy Quest

Nathan Winter
Nominee NZ Comedy Guild Best Gag 2011

Brad Zimmerman
“A confident, engaging performer… quite the wordsmith” – Chortle

And more great acts to be confirmed.

This Valentine’s Day laugh-fest is proudly sponsored by the Wellington Humorous Arts Trust (www.humorous.co.nz), and Whittaker’s Chocolate (www.whittakers.co.nz), who have kindly donated a delicious chocolate goodie package to be raffled away to a lucky audience member. Could it be you? Possibly.

In summary:

Laughing For Love
8pm, Tuesday, February 14th
Meow Bar (9 Edward Street Wellington)
Tickets $18 ($15 Concession)

You might win chocolate!

Tickets available at www.eventfinder.co.nz (search Laughing For Love)

And not in the fun “Hey yeah woo we were up all night it was crazy!” kind of way. I mean in the excruciating “I’ve been lying here for so long I actually envy the dead” kind of way. If you’ve never done it, I highly recommend you keep it that way. It sucks. It’s not fun.

Although I know I’m not the first person in the world to suffer from any degree of insomnia (nor is this the first time it has ever happened to me), I do find this particular incident noteworthy, because I didn’t have a single constructive thought the entire time.

That’s right. Eight hours of lying dead-still in the dark and not a single thought went through my head, except for “I wish I was asleep I wish I was asleep I whisk a washing sheep”. It eventually became gibberish.

Normally, when I’ve had a rough time sleeping, I’ve at least managed to use the time constructively, and organise any previously unorganised or chaotic thoughts that were bouncing around in my enormous brain. I’ve arranged schedules, designed solutions to problems, or on the very odd occasion, even come up with a joke or two.

I can honestly say last night was the first time in my life that I have wasted an entire eight hour block or time. Eight hours… gone. Done. Dusted. Over. In the past.

I don’t have anything funny to say about it, because I’m so freaking tired now, and not to mention angry. Damn you, brain! Why do you have to be such a dick? Seriously. You couldn’t have at least done something tiny for me during that time? You couldn’t have learned Spanish or mentally solved a hypothetical Rubiks cube or figured out the path to world peace for me? Thanks for nothing, asshole. I don’t know why I still bother carrying you around with me all the time. Deadweight son of a bitch. Free-loading, lazy, good-for-nothing so-and-so.

Oh well, screw it.

Now for some shameless promo stuff.

Brad Zimmerman (that’s me, but I like to do the third-person thing from time to time) will be performing at the following shows in the coming weeks:

24-Nov-11 The Comedy Corner
28-Nov-11 Raw Meat Monday @ The Fringe Bar
15-Dec-11 The Comedy Corner

And don’t forget to catch the hilarious Wilson Dixon (7 Days, NZ Comedy Gala) with James Nokise (NZ Comedy Gala) and Nick Rado (AotearoHa) in Raumati on Thursday December 1st or in Masterton on Friday December 2nd. More info HERE.

And catch Cohen Holloway (Facelift and the movie, Boy) with Jerome Chandrahasen (NZ Comedy Gala) in Upper Hutt on Saturday December 10th. Info HERE.

I’m not going to proof-read this post. I’ll leave that to destiny.

The competition consisted of writing either a rap, a song, a poem, or a short story about the dangers of problem gambling. Naturally (owing to me being rather gangster and whathaveyou) I chose to write a rap. I wrote the shit out of that rap. I wrote that rap like somebody somewhere was on fire, and the only way to put them out was by writing a rap (for some reason). What I’m getting at is that I was a regional winner for Wellington, and runner-up nationally.

Being a part of the event was an honour, but the real prize was to participate in a recording studio day, at Munkee Studios in Wellington, with Scribe and some of the winners from around the country.

And what a blast that was! Hanging out in a recording studio with a cool group of people; now I know what Jay-Z feels like. Except my life is better because I don’t have to deal with that Beyonce chick. Eugh. Shudder. Poor Jay. Hang in there, bro.

The winners from around the country were all really awesome people, and each brought something really unique to the experience. Scribe, for anyone who didn’t know, is a wicked dude (and crazy tall).

Here’s a picture of me recording a rap in the studio. Clearly, from my facial expression, purple t-shirt, and “thug-like” body language, you can tell I’m the hardest mofo on the block (da blok?):

The competition was all to raise awareness about the dangers of problem gambling, so obviously it is a very serious subject matter, and I have nothing but respect for the organisers and the whole Choice Not Chance organisation.

However, I suck at rapping.

I know it’s hard to believe (on account of my aforementioned “gangsterness”) but I’m actually very bad at it. Hilariously bad.

Although I do have to give “mad props” and “big ups” to “mah boy”, Robbie Ellis, who made the wicked beat you hear behind my awful, awful rapping. He whipped that shit up like a seasoned pro, when he should’ve been preparing for a live show. Thanks bro. You pulled a sexy magic rabbit out of that hat. (Did I just call a rabbit sexy? Yes I did. Deal with it.)

Follow THIS LINK to hear my ridiculous rap track (over Robbie’s sweet beat), and also the really awesome raps/songs/poems/short stories from the other national winners. Do it.

And then head along to the CHOICE NOT CHANCE HOMEPAGE to learn more about what these folks do for the community.

Also, if you’re a problem gambler, get your head out of your ass and get some help.

Did you stop reading yet? No, you didn’t. I can tell.

I’m just posting something because I realised I haven’t posted anything in a week, and that last one was just a quick promo. So if you ignore that post, it’s actually been (what seems like) months since I’ve posted an actual thought.

This post, just in case you haven’t stopped reading yet, contains no actual thoughts. None. Well, I guess it contains the one thought about it containing no thoughts. Which means the thought that there are no thoughts in this post is a lie, as it is actually a thought. You follow me? Good, because I don’t.

What the hell am I talking about? This is very quickly crumbling into something that has even me scrunching up my forehead and wondering what the fuck is going on in my cranium.

So should I make this post about having no thoughts? There’s a subject to write about. No thoughts. It’s a state many guys are familiar with. I don’t think women seem to understand it though. (And yes, I’m about to discuss the difference between men and women… comedy gold).

A question that every woman I’ve ever known seems to have at the tip of their tongue at all times, is “What are you thinking about?” and they never seem to accept my answer of “Nothing”. Because for some reason, I don’t think they believe we men can actually be thinking about nothing. Nothing is what I think 99% of the time. The other 1% I’m thinking about either boobs, video games, or video games with boobs in them. That’s my thought process. Predominantly nothing. But they don’t accept that.

Throughout my life, every time a woman has asked me “What are you thinking about?” and I’ve responded “Nothing”, I’ve been immediately bombarded with follow up questions, probing into what I meant by “Nothing”.

Apparently we can’t be thinking nothing. Apparently, when we say “Nothing” we actually mean “Nothing that I want you to find out about”. So when you tell your wife “Nothing”, she doesn’t hear “Nothing”, she hears “I’m fucking my assistant”.

So that was a little rant that kinda came out of nowhere. Sorry about that. But I did tell you not to read this post. You were warned. It’s your fault now.

Get on down to The Fringe Bar (cnr Cuba & Vivian St, Wgtn). The show starts at 8pm, but get in early for drinks and whatever else you do before a show. It’ll be the best $8.00 you spend all week.

That’s right. Only $8.00 for an awesome night of entertainment, hosted by the most handsome comedian this side of the Missisippi.

In summary:
Awesome comedy hosted by Brad Zimmerman
Fringe Bar (cnr Cuba & Vivian St, Wgtn)
Only $8.00
8pm start

There. Now you know all about it. There’s no excuses left.

Now for the whole story:

I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve been places. Yeah, that’s right. You know you’re jealous. You’re like “I’ve never been anywhere” and I’m like “Shame”.

Another thing I’ve done is eat lamb shanks in every country I’ve been to, apart from Mexico. It’s nothing personal, Mexico. It’s just that I didn’t spend long in your country, and most of the time I was too tequila’d to actually order something from a menu. Plus, I don’t know if you do lamb shanks in your country. Does Mexico do lamb shanks? That’s a question for another time.

The point is, I’ve had lamb shanks all over the world. I’ve enjoyed lamb shanks in Australia, both coasts of the USA, the UK, France, all over my native New Zealand, and even in Sweden. The reason I bring this to light now is that I have just discovered the best lamb shanks in the world.

The most delicious, mouth-watering, perfect lamb shanks in all the world can be found right here in New Zealand. I needn’t have bothered travelling.

In fact, not only are they in New Zealand, they’re actually in my little suburban neighbourhood.

That’s right, the best lamb shanks on the planet can be found at The Roundabout in Tawa. Last Friday night, my fiancee and I decided to have dinner at our little local place, only having dined on bar-type food there in the past, such as pizza and fries.

I ordered the lamb shanks from the dinner menu, unsure if I had made the right decision (it’s always hard to choose between lamb shanks, steak, or ribs), but what the waiter brought to the table pushed those concerns right out the window. It pushed them hard. Those concerns were a ba-jillion miles away. They were so far away, I used a made-up number. That’s pretty far.

The meal supplied to me, on which I hungrily dined, was nothing shy of absolute perfection. The meat, delicious and tender, was something I would liken to heaven (if heaven was anything more than an imaginary notion used to comfort weak-minded gullible idiots), the mashed potato was a consistency I would describe as legendary, and the gravy – OH DEAR GOD THE GRAVY – was astounding.

My fiancee had the burger, and didn’t seem to have any complaints. She gave me a small piece of the smoky bacon that came with it, and that was painfully good as well.

The only suggestion I have for improving the lamb shanks at The Roundabout in Tawa, is that they could add little chopped up bits of that smoky bacon, and they will have created the most amazing thing on the planet.

I know this whole thing sounds like blatant hyperbole, but you don’t know shit. Shut up. What do you know? Have you tried the lamb shanks I’m talking about? If you have, let me know if I’m wrong. If you haven’t, go try them before you say anything. You’ll thank me.

If you’re from The Roundabout, listen to me right now. Please add a little bit of smoky bacon to your lamb shanks. I’m serious. You’ll have a real winner.

Initially, I was hesitant to write this post, because I am not a food critic. Food critics, for the most part, are pretentious over-analysing wankers who want nothing more than to pretend they’re cultured and belittle things that don’t deserve it.

But I put that aside because I just simply had to tell you how good this food is. If you’re in Wellington, make a plan to get your ass to The Roundabout in Tawa.