Just a quick note, passing on a brilliant post from comedian, Doug Stanhope on his website, www.dougstanhope.com.
Check it out if you like morons complaining about things (just because that’s what morons like to do), and a comic genius shutting them down beautifully.
We live in a shitty world, filled with shitty people, doing shitty things. The majority of the human race just plain sucks, and the majority of the stuff we do is even worse.
So, in a tiny little effort to prove that not all hope is lost, here is a list of five things that, in the face of so much suckiness, are awesome.
Please note: the awesomeness of these things is based completely on my own opinion, and you may disagree. If you do happen to disagree with the awesomeness of one or more of the below, then don’t get all up-in-arms and crazy. Just kindly walk away from your computer, count to ten, and then go fuck yourself. I don’t care what your stupid opinion is. And get a haircut. You look like a dick. If, however, you do agree with me about how awesome these five things are, then you are the sixth awesome thing to add to the list. Right on, brother. Put that in your trophy case and display it proudly.
Awesome thing #1 – Louis CK and Doug Stanhope
I know that these two dudes are separate people, and should have their own separate entries in the ’5 Things That Are Awesome’ list, but I’ve grouped them together as they are both stand up comedians, and I have trouble picking which is my favourite. If you do not know who either of these guys are, you need to punch yourself in the dick. And then go to Youtube, watch some clips, and buy their CDs/DVDs.
Awesome thing #2 – Gummy-type candies shaped like things
They say you’re never too old to enjoy candy. Well, actually I don’t know if anybody says that, but they should. Candy is awesome. I am a grown man and I love candy. I own a house and I love candy. I am getting married next year and I enjoy candy. Candy is great. And what’s even better is when candy is all gummy-like, and the candy-making-pixies (I’m going to go ahead and assume candy is made by pixies and not humans) make it shaped like things. Smiley faces are popular, as are various animals (mostly exotic zoo-like animals), and the shape of the fruit after which the gummy is supposedly flavoured. Fun for everybody and delicious.
Awesome thing #3 – Something warm to hold on a cold day
This one is topical for me, because I am currently freezing my nutsicles off this morning, and I am holding (on-and-off so I can type) a warm cup of tea. Holding the warm tea is the only thing that is keeping me from going on a killing spree, and using the corpses of my kills to wrap myself in to keep from freezing to death. Thank you warm cup of tea, for preventing such horrible things. You are truly a hero this day.
Awesome thing #4 – Live Comedy
Watching live comedy is one of the greatest things in modern times, as far as entertainment is concerned. Comedy is so much more accessible to the average person, and so much more universal (and needed) than some wanky piece of drama. Drama, or poetry, or other garbage like that often requires the audience to have a pre-existing wealth of cultured knowledge and a high level of in-built pretentiousness to enjoy it. It belittles the common stupid person, and pushes the everyman down into a pool of exclusion. Comedy simply requires that they know how to laugh. It also helps to not be a stuck up prick. Yay comedy! Boo drama!
Awesome thing #5 – Something I haven’t thought of yet
Number five on this list is a bit of a mystery. It’s the enjoyment of not knowing what comes next. It’s the mild level of excitement that comes with uncertainty and leaping face-first into the unknown. If you’re wondering right now if this last one is legit, or I just didn’t bother thinking of another example, you’re absolutely correct. Or are you? You totally are. Or are you? Yes. Yes you are… or are you? Okay this could go on forever, but the repetition would actually go against the point of this item on the list; the unknown. The unknown is important because it keeps you on your toes. Life is so much better when you don’t know exactly what’s around the corner. Like at the end of this sentence there might even be a giraffe. And look at that, there was a giraffe. How exciting is that? We were talking about possibilities and the unknown, and now we’re talking about giraffes. Anything can happen.
So that’s my list of five things that are awesome. I hope you agree with at least one of these things.
Now go forth and do something with your life. Close all your Internet Explorer tabs with the porn videos you were loading while you read this post, put your pants back on, shut your laptop, leave the Starbucks you were sitting in, and get some shit done.
Check it out, nerds! You’ve just had another join your ranks.
That’s right, ladies, gentlemen, (and other) Brad Zimmerman is now officially a nerd. Looking back, using that wonderful yet devastating thing known as hindsight, this has actually been a long time coming.
I have been a geek for some time (the differences were brought to my attention by Mr. Nikolai L’Estrange) and I have been teetering on the verge of taking the next step into nerdom (nerddom? nerdness? nerding?) for a while now.
I am an uber-geek when it comes to epic fantasy novels. That’s right, bitches, I just gotta love me some sword & sorcery. My favourites are the big, fat door-stopper books that you could use to kill a co-worker if you so wished. I know you’ve been tempted. I simply can’t get enough of the books filled with morally ambiguous knights, cunning nobelmen, and wizards with hidden agendas.
Ooh yeah, that’s the good stuff. If I could somehow filter fantasy novels into some kind of concentrated liquid, and then inject them into myself using sterilised medical equipment, I would. Actually, I wouldn’t. That’s a bit too far. Drugs are bad, kids.
Also, even now that I am in my mid-twenties, I am still a huge fan of videogames, more specifically videogames with a fantasy-ish theme. Even more specifically than that, fantasy-themed RPG’s (that means Role-Playing Games for all you non-geeks out there). I will happily dedicate hours or days or even weeks of my life to these things… Ya know what? Now that I think about it, I am absolutely schocked I still have a fiancee. She’s a trooper. I should buy her something nice.
So my geekdom is completely transparent and no secret to anybody. But geeks are different from nerds. I won’t go into the differences, but just know they are many and well-defined.
The reason I believe I have crossed this line is that I now am the owner of the tablet computer. And I don’t have this little handheld marvel for the social purposes that many busy people-on-the-go may have theirs. No, no, no. I have mine simply because I wanted one with which to play games, read things, and otherwise kill valuable time. This pushed me right up to the edge of the nerd-cliff, and even dangled me over the side, tempting me with the excitement and wonder of the fall into full-blown nerdliness.
I finally took the plunge and became Captain Nerdface when I learned how to create Apps for my and other handheld devices. Yes, that’s right. I programmed. It actually makes me shudder to think.
And you know what? I liked it. It felt good. I might programme again. Even now, this very moment you are reading, I am thinking and planning what kind of programmes I am going to make. Maybe I’ll make a game. Maybe a useful tool that links your calendar with your dog’s bowel movements or something. I don’t know yet. That’s half the fun.
There is no point to this post, and no comedic content. I just wanted to keep you updated with what’s going on in my life. That’s all. Isn’t that what friends do? Forgive me for thinking you and I were close enough to share our feelings. I guess you don’t feel the same. That’s a bit harsh. I think you should apologise to me or I won’t come to Christmas dinner with you this year. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you (or that delicious ham you make each year). Give me a hug.
Ramble over.
Seacrest out.
As a comedian and long-time comedy observer, I have seen many interesting things happen in comedy clubs.
I have seen great comedians fall flat on their ass. I have seen terrible comedians reduce an audience to tears of unstoppable laughter. I have seen a man throw a glass at Gareth Bradley, and yell “Anti-semite!” with no justification. I have seen men dressed as women, women dressed as men, a Maori dressed as a dinosaur.
What I saw from Jerome Chandrahasen do last night at The Comedy Corner (Weekly Thursday show at The Fringe Bar in Wellington. Click HERE for more info about that), topped all of those things.
With a modest crowd of 15 or so (to be honest I didn’t bother counting), the night had an interesting, awkward edge to it right from the get-go. The comedians played with that a little bit, but mostly struggled to keep the crowd’s interest levels peaked.
That is, of course, until Jerome Chandrahasen took the stage. He bantered with the audience, with not even the slightest intention of awkwardly moving into pre-written material. At the impromptu suggestion of purchasing one audience member something to eat, and the motion being seconded by the crowd, Jerome then escorted the entire audience out of the Fringe Bar and into the kebab shop next door.
They returned five minutes later, with one kebab for the hungry punter, and Jerome re-took the stage, only to say “Thank you, good night”, beckoning the MC back to the hot seat.
If anybody has ever accused Jerome Chandrahasen of being predictable , they were dead wrong. I have never seen anything like that… ever. I understand that for anybody hearing about it after the fact, it sounds like very lazy comedy (which, technically I suppose it is), and nothing special. However, for the comedians who remained in the room, dazed, confused, and completely taken aback by a 100% audience walkout (and return), it was the funniest thing that has ever happened in a comedy club.
Many comedians have made people walk out of shows, for various reasons. Either they reminded them that they left their oven on (an unlikely but not impossible scenario), or they said something that was considered offensive (I’ve done that), or the comedian was just plain boring and the punter couldn’t take it anymore. Either way, whenever a comedian has made even a single audience member walk out of a show, it has always been negative.
Somehow, not only did Jerome manage to make the entire audience get up out of their seats, head for the door and leave, but he got them to do it using charm and charisma, and put a smile on their faces. And then, after fetching some food, they miraculously returned.
A week earlier, I had made a group of very disgruntled people leave a show when I attempted to share three very true (and in no way offensive) stories I have about transexuals. Four or five people angrily stormed out, causing a big scene, and the audience loved it. It was magical. I thought I was some kind of amazing wizard for making that happen. Then Jerome (the bastard) had to go and top me by making the whole room walk out.
It just goes to show you, that anything can happen in a comedy club. Well, not anything. I mean the chances of the club being violently ransacked by a giant robot with sharks for eyeballs and a big swinging pendulum where testicles might otherwise be found is pretty slim. But in case you don’t wanna miss out on the night when THAT finally does happen, catch all the live comedy you can.
Check out www.humorous.co.nz to keep up to date with comedy happening in Wellington, and you’ll never risk missing out on something great.
Catch Brad Zimmerman this week at The Fringe Bar! (That’s at the corner of Cuba & Vivian Streets in Wellington)
Mon 04-Jul-11 Trying out some new material at Raw Meat Monday, 8pm
Thu 07-Jul-11 Crackin’ out the gold with the top of Wellington’s comedy crop at The Comedy Corner (also 8pm, but arrive earlier for drinking and whathaveyou).
There’s also heaps of other stuff happening around the place, so check out THIS LINK to find out what else you can sink your teeth into.
That is the end of this quick shameless promo. It was quick. It was shameless. But now it’s over. Here’s a picture of an alien doing a funky dance.
…for another blog post from Brad Zimmerman! You may agree (or you may not) but here it goes anyway.
I should point out that I just saw a notification that somebody found my website by googling the question “Are the any other gay christians out there?”
I don’t know why this is relevant. But I find it funny as hell. Apparently there is a lonely gay christian out there who just wants somebody to talk gay christianity with while being all gay and christian. I have no problem with gay people. Gay people are fine (and dandy). Christians, I don’t like. But if one gay christian can find another gay christian to be all gay and christian with, then good for them. I salute you, gay christian dude! I hope you find the gay christian you’ve been looking for.
If you can’t find another gay christian, you may have to convert. Not from gay to straight, that’s not a choice. Gay is gay and natural as anything. I mean convert from christianity to something not as retarded. Your christianity is a choice… a stupid, brainwashed, ridiculous choice.
Anyway, now that I’m done playing gay christian love connection, what else is new? I’ve turned 25 this week. It doesn’t give me any new superpowers or legal rights, but it does mean I can rent a car without an elder’s permission, and it also means insurance companies will finally start treating me like a human being.
…um… ya know what?
I had a whole plan for things I was going to write in this post, but it all kinda went flying out the window when I got into the whole gay christian thing. That threw me off. Now all I can think about is getting this little guy somebody to love. If anybody out there knows a gay christian, or a resource for gay christians to meet other gay christians (or even gay muslims or gay jews or gay krishnas if they’re not picky), then speak up.
I’m a straight atheist (or stratheist, if you will) so I don’t know much about the mating and dating habits of gay christians, but hopefully somebody out there can help my new gay christian buddy.
Sheesh… how many times can I type “gay christian” in one post? Many, it would seem. I can type it many, many times. Go me. I deserve some cake.
I should re-name this post “Gay Christian Love Connection”. I should… but I won’t.
That is all.
Oh, and one more thing. If you’re in Wellington tonight (Thursday 23rd June 2011), be sure to check out the new PRO COMEDY NIGHT at the Fringe Bar!
It’s called The Comedy Corner and there’s more info HERE. Wellington’s top pro comics will bring some premium haha right to your face’s door step. That’s right. Your face has a door step. So get along to the Fringe Bar, grab a drink and enjoy some live comedy.
Great words of wisdom (and some just words) from the best stand up working today (or ever).
via Lollygagging
Wow, it’s already June; can you believe it? Well, you should believe it, because it’s true. If you didn’t believe it, that would mean you’re wrong and, quite possibly, crazy. Stop being a crazy person and start rejoicing that it is now the month of June.
Actually at the time of me writing this, there may be quite a few places in the world in which it is still the 31st of May (on account of time differences and various other scientific and worldly principles which are above my comprehension). So if you don’t believe it’s June yet, then you’re either wrong, crazy, or foreign. None of these are acceptable.
Now I sound like a racist. Thanks for doing that to me, time zones. You made me sound racist. First I was all like “It’s not okay to be wrong” and “It’s not okay to be crazy” but now, somehow, you’ve made me go “It’s not okay to be a dirty dirty foreigner”. Nice going.
Anyway, it’s June. That means it’s the beginning of winter. Shit’s gon’ get real cold up in dis bitch, y’all. That’s nothing to celebrate. Unless you’re an Eskimo. Although they prefer the term ‘Innuit’, so once again I’m racist. God damn it. Actually there is no god, and Christians are retarded. What the hell is wrong with me? I wanted to write about June, but this is just hate-mongering drivel.
Okay, so June is also the month in which I will turn 25 years old. That’s a quarter century. That’s how old I am going to be this month. I will now be measuring my life span in terms of centuries… like a wizard.
The month of June has somehow made me a racist, hate-mongering wizard.
June is very powerful indeed. Watch your back, other months. June is plotting…
Hey, big thanks and mad respizect (I didn’t think I could pull that off, but clearly I made it happen) to all you Wellington folk who managed to catch my debut solo NZ International Comedy Festival show, Grown Up.
It was an awesome season with ups (and a couple downs) but two sweet ass reviews, which I will now share with you.
First review is from Chortle, and can be summarised with:
“Zimmerman is a confident, engaging performer… a good storyteller, and quite the wordsmith.”
The second is from Salient Magazine, and is summarised below:
“This talented comedian had the audience at Club Ivy aching with laughter”
“He has a real gift for rapid changes in tone and pace, going from hilarious to dead serious in the same sentence.”
“Brad Zimmerman, with his wit and shining charisma, is a comedian not to be missed”
So… um… yeah. There it is.
Again, thanks to all who came out to see the show; I hope you enjoyed it. Now there’s still TWO EPIC WEEKS of the 2011 NZ International Comedy Festival left, so get out there and see some shows.
Week 2 brings us some colossal comedic concoctions (I know you like the alliteration), such as:
7:00pm All Week
Mark Watson @ San Francisco Bathhouse
Nick Gibb @ The Fringe Bar
James Nokise @ The Garden Club
Rhys Mathewson @ Club Ivy
8:30pm All Week
Carey Marx @ San Francisco Bathhouse
Nick Rado @ The Fringe Bar
Brendhan Lovegrove & Mike King @ The Garden Club
Gish @ Club Ivy
The Nat Pack (Nathan Winter & Natalie Britten) @ Parade Cafe
10:00pm All Week
Sarah Harpur @ The Fringe Bar
Head to the official Comedy Festival Website for more info about all these fantastic shows.
Also, if you head down to The Comedy Booth (Midland Park, Lambton Quay) around lunchtime every day (between 12 and 2pm), there’s a good chance you can meet the performers and maybe get your hands on some super sweet 2-for-1 ticket deals.
So, there’s only one question left to ask… what the fuck are you waiting for?
In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few days, you’ll know the 2011 NZ International Comedy Festival has officially started… kicked off… opened… exploded all up in your grill/face/grizzle fo’ shizzle my pizzles, nizzles, and wizzles. (What?)
The point is, it’s on. It’s happening. It’s gettin’ done.
With a HUGE delicious platter of shows for your viewing (and apparently dining) pleasure, you’re definitely gonna get something awesome in your mouth. Yeah, I said it.
There are still a few tickets left for my show, Grown Up, so get in while you can. Here. Or here. Or maybe here. Oh so many links to choose from. Here’s a hint; they all go to the same place.
I like pies.
