Brad Zimmerman

Have you ever wanted to see Angelina Jolie’s fantastic tits? Ever wondered about how big or small Tom Cruise’s cock is? You have? Then you probably have too much time on your hands.

Grow up. Stop worshipping celebrities. Yeah, Angelina’s a fine piece of ass, but so what? I see more beautiful women every day in the street, and nobody makes a big fuss about them.

And by “in the street” I don’t mean they’re homeless. I mean when I see them, they happen to be “in the street”, on account of that’s where I encounter most people. If they could all come to me, while I’m in my house playing xbox, that would be great. Actually it wouldn’t. I don’t want all those people in my house. My house is nice, but I don’t think it’s large enough to host all the people that I would normally see in the street.

Plus, there’s the whole “stranger danger” thing. They might do weird things in my house, and I’m not particularly prepared for that. They might touch my spatula with their balls or something. That’s not ideal, so I may prefer to keep the people in the street.

Actually, wasn’t I talking about beautiful women in the street? Why would the beautiful women have balls? Where the hell did I find these women? What street was this? A lot of questions have arisen from this. Look what you made me do, you celeb worshipping bastard. You made me think about a house full of beautiful women with big hairy balls.

Wait, why hairy? This just keeps getting worse and worse. I’m going to get back on track.

Why do you care about celebrities? Does their life affect yours in any way? Do you benefit in any way, shape, or form, by knowing what Paris Hilton has for lunch on Tuesdays? No, you don’t. You may think you do. But you most certainly don’t.

Is Tom Cruise gay? Is John Travolta gay? Who gives a shit? Let them be gay, if they are. Is Britney Spears a skank? Yes. But who cares? Let her be a skank. Is the entire cast of any reality show on MTV a bunch of fuckwits? Yes. But in this case, don’t let them be fuckwits. Instead you should kill them. Kill them all. Kill them all in a horrible stabbing-lots-of-people-in-the-face accident. That should do the trick.

There was nothing informative for you in this post. If you read it, expecting something (for example, hmmm, let’s say naked celebrities) then I apologise.

Actually, I don’t apologise. Stop being a pervert, you filthy pervert. Pervert. If I had said “Betty White’s Tits!” would you have read this? Well, you probably would’ve because of three reasons.

1) You’re a loser and have nothing better to do
2) Betty White is a fox. I’d go there
3) The internet has run out of weird things for you to look at

There you have it. I don’t know what you have, but you have it. We’ve had some good times together, you and I. We’ve bitched about assholes who bow to celebrities and actually care what they do/say/think. We’ve discussed homeless people. We’ve even talked about my house, filled with beautiful women and their big hairy balls.

Let’s be honest. You and I, we’ve grown together. You’re a good friend. Have a gingernut.